When Ian was about 18 months old, things weren't going too great for him. That's when his brain decided to join his heart and be unique. We still don't know what happened. Doctors from across the country and around the world were baffled. They decided one day they needed to have a look at his brain tissue. The biopsy would be pretty complicated, taking into account the cardiac issues and the allergies to anesthesia. Their plan was to put Ian out then let the ophthalmologists look at his eyes first, and then they could put on the halo that actually attaches to the cranium. That way they could use all their fancy mapping equipment.
Well, about an hour after they started, a doctor came out to tell us that there had to be a change of plans. When they got finished examining Ian's eyes, they moved the draping back to start everything else and found that his arms and legs were completely blue. They had used a neurological anaesthetic instead of one especially for cardiac patients and it had put Ian's little heart into shock. When something this traumatic happens, the heart goes into survival mode--"clamping down" they call it--just circulating to the vital organs. They said Ian wasn't even stable enough to move into the right room to do the rest of the procedure. Pretty scary day.
I think I've been "clamped down" for a year. My heart is so traumatized that survival has been the prime goal. It's mostly figurative, but for almost a month last summer, my hands were asleep all the time--tingly. I think my brain and my heart--my thinking and my feeling are still half asleep. Maybe your body puts you into one of those "induced comas" so you can heal. The question I have is: When I come out of it, will it hurt worse? Is that possible?
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