Note to Self

Next time I get all bent out of shape that nobody remembers I'm struggling, I can just think about this morning when I talked to my own mom and forgot to ask how she was doing.  Today is my brother Stan's 54th birthday.  My mom has dealt with 39 of them since he's been gone.  I wonder if she has ever said,  "One year closer to seeing him again"?

I'm his own sister and I forget.  I should probably cut people some slack.  I can't even post a photo of him here because I only have a couple and I don't know where they are.  I wish I could remember more about him--anything really.  I don't have any memories of him.  None.  I hope Mikey remembers Ian, heck, even Lucy--I don't remember much of being 10 or 13.  I think Lu'll do pretty well.

I wonder what birthdays mean on the other side of the veil.  Probably nothing.  They are probably like the day we leave home to go to college or a mission or whatever.  We remember the general time, but the actual date, not so much.  Maybe they celebrate homecoming dates on the other side.  Maybe they sing welcome home, just like in the Michael W. Smith song that I love.

I should be writing about the lovely Christmas we had--we did, but instead I want to record the dream I woke up to this morning.  We were in Morgan at the grocery store and we had 2 cars.  I threw one set of keys to Ian and told him to drive the truck home (I guess just to my parents).  Well, he was thrilled, jumped in and TORE out of the parking lot with me waving my arms and screaming--as I realized that we never got a chance to teach him to drive.  It was great.  I've been thinking for days about the rituals we won't get to share with him like graduations and mission and wedding and babies.  Maybe my subconscious just couldn't stand it and had to  create a ritual for me.

I miss my son today.  I can picture my mom missing hers--she'd probably have great-grandchildren by now.  That's a lot of rituals.

Together for Christmas

Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a good night.

My niece Abi and by nephew Kenyon decided to wear their Ian's Team T-shirts tonight.  Lucy and Mike put theirs on too.  They included him in the Imaginiff board game (which I highly recommend), and they are watching a batman movie as I go to bed.  They made him  be here as much as they could.

It's a good thing.

Maybe Tomorrow will be Better

Not a good day today.

I'm just not okay enough to be happy for others whose families are all together and they are so excited to see each other and have a warm, happy holiday.  Does that make me a rotten person?  Yeah,  I think it does.  I shouldn't be surprised to be under water,  that's how I felt for Thanksgiving too.  I looked at some things at the mall today that reminded me of Ian.  Lucy asked why I torture myself.  Boy, did she get an earful.  All I have of Ian right now are the things that remind me of him.

This is what I want for Christmas--Ian, here in my arms!

Book Review

We have over 40 Christmas books now.  I buy at least one new one ever year--usually at a used book store for between fifty cents and 3 or 4 dollars.  In my humble opinion, this is the  best Christmas book there is.  It beats A Christmas Carol and The Christmas Box and Gift of the Magi and all the others. 

It's a simple children's book with about 15 pages and it goes through all the wonderful things about Christmas--everything everybody likes,  but at the bottom of each page, it says,  "but that's not the best thing about Christmas."  Of course the last few pages tell the Christmas story about Christ's birth, with details of shepherds and angels.  The last page says,  "Yes, I like everything about Christmas.  But I think the BEST thing is...Jesus came for ME!

Christmas is personal.  It's individual.  It's on the inside.  No matter how the world distorts it,  He came for me.

A Bunch of Whooey





"That's a bunch of whooey" is what I wanted to say in Sunday school today. 
I didn't.
Progress. 
Although a little correction would have been a good thing.  We we discussing Revelation.  I didn't do the reading this week, so I was not prepared to comment.  But, I did, and the teacher took what I said and ran with it--in the wrong direction.  I'll explain.

We were talking about the millennium and  how Satan won't have power then.  That was quite a discussion in and of itself.  Then she asked what we can do to fight Satan now.  She didn't say fight--I don't remember the exact question.  I answered that one way for me to keep Satan at bay was to not focus on myself.  That if I try to focus on others that I can do better at keeping him in check.  Let me say here that I was thinking about pride, not necessarily service.  The teacher then went on to say how wonderful service is--in that voice people get when then tout, and that when we serve others our problems go away or become smaller.

I've been home for 3 hours now.  I've showered, had lunch, and dealt with an ant infestation in my pantry.  I'm still thinking about what she said.  I think that's a bunch of whooey.  The problem I have to carry on my back now for the rest of my life isn't going away.  Taking someone a dinner won't ever ease  the pain  I feel when  I hear someone other than my son is blessing the sacrament.  The loneliness won't be gone just because I drive a widow to church every week.  Keith doesn't balance out the ledger of grief time with the hours he spends ministering hoping he can come out ahead.

God didn't say he would make our problems go away.  He said he would make them easier to bear--if we are obedient and do what  He asks.  That's a  big if.  I also believe that one of the ways he makes burdens lighter is by making us stronger.  If I have to carry a 25 pound weight around every day for an extended period of time, I get used to it and it becomes more manageable.  The same is true with trials.  If we don't fall down under the weight and quit, we get stronger. 

Sharp pains can become dull aches.  Some times our trials are open gushing wounds.  Even if we have spiritual stitches, they still hurt.  That doesn't go away.  Whether we end up with a scar or a callous takes a lot more than just time and serving others.  Sometimes the serving others part is just a distraction to keep us from ripping off the scab and starting the process all over again.

Like I said, I was actually thinking about pride when  I made the comment.  I think Satan does his best work when we think we are in control and doing fabulously--when we only see our own perspective and don't consider how our actions could affect others.  But the direction it went left me cold.  I've still got a lot of sensitive spots that aren't healed.  I spent last night bawling after the ward Christmas party where this same teacher came running up to me to tell me her son had just gotten in to town to spend Christmas with her.  Yeah, burdens don't go away, they just become invisible to other people.  It's good to know I still have divine help carrying it.

"Trending Today"

Let me just start by saying I already know I watch too much TV.  I concede that.   This morning watching the "news" I came to the conclusion that TV can't get any dumber.  They have these new segments about what's "trending."  Since when is the word trend a verb?  When did it become a good thing to know and follow the trends?  Aren't trends like fads?  Aren't they the product of peer pressure?  Do we really need "journalists" to telling us what is popular on twitter and facebook and what celebrities are typing into their phones.  I know it's nothing new today, but it just seems to have totally gotten out of control.  Wouldn't it be great if news was actually news and if you could watch a whole newscast without shaking your head or heaving a sigh of disgust? 

Here's the straw that broke the camel's back:  "Christmas gift registries--the new trend."  The polls reveal that people prefer to get the gifts they ask for instead of surprises.  Wow.  They interviewed people on the street saying how much easier it was to just click on a premade list--a list made by the recipient.  They could even just click on stuff and order right from the list.

PATHETIC

I found out a couple of years ago that my kids were the only ones in their peer groups that actually picked out  presents for each other or their parents.  All their friends just make lists and their parents fulfill it.  There is no giving to each other.  There's no learning how good it feels to be the giver.  There's no saving your own money and paying for something to give to anyone.

AGAIN,   PATHETIC

I don't care about trends.  Anyone who knows me is not surprised by that.  I do, however, care that Christmas is a victim of them.  I do care that my kids don't know how things used to be. 

A Quote of a Quote

 

We had a great opportunity this weekend.  We had one of Jesus' own apostles here in town and we got to listen to him talk.  His name is Elder David A. Bednar.  I have to say, it was pretty great and not in the way one might think.  He reminded us that we have somebody with us all the time who can act for God on our behalf--our stake president, and I think from the amount of people there, and the 2 extra buildings full of overflow, it was an unexpected message.  Normally, stake conference is vacation weekend  for even the faithfully active.  He told us all to listen to the guy that speaks to us at every conference and not wait for some one special to show up.

I had a few things stick in my head from his remarks.  One was given as a one line quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell while he was struggling with leukemia.  He (Maxwell) said,  "It's more important not to shrink than to survive."  In looking for a scriptural reference for that, I came upon actual words from Elder Maxwell.  It may be one of the best talks I've ever read and could give me enough little one-liners for a months worth of  blog postings.

I guess pondering on the things we hear and feel really is important--even if it leads us away from the person heard to some  place completely different.  By the way, the scriptural reference is Doctrine and Covenants 19:16-19.

16 For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;

 17 But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;

 18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

 19 Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.

 Compared with the verse in Luke 22:42

42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing remove this cup from me;  Nevertheless not my will, but thine be done. 

I'm not exactly sure what the meaning is. Is he saying if he drinks the bitter cup--goes through the suffering, he has to do it without shrinking--he has to carry the load with his head up? No whining or complaing--no wanting a reward for enduring it--giving the glory to the Father? Or is it that following His will would have been the "shrinking". The meaning of his words kind of remind me of the difference between enduring to the end and just lasting. I don't have the ultimate conclusion to my thoughts yet--more pondering.

I include the full text of "The Pathway to Discipleship"  because it's that good. 

Comfort and Joy

So I was driving in to pick Keith up from work tonight so we could have a date and I didn't want to turn on the radio, so I was singing Christmas carols.  It's pretty amazing how many there are and how many verses of each one you can actually remember if you just start singing.

After I had done all the usuals, I started "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen."  I don't know why but I had the wrong picture in my head for that one.  I saw jolly robust men with beer steins in their hands.  There must be an illustration somewhere that gave me that impression or something.  Anyway, as I sang the words, they really touched me.  I sang the first verse 3 times, stopping and thinking about it each time.  It goes like this:

God rest ye merry, gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay,
For Jesus Christ, our Saviour,
Was born on Christmas day:
To save us all from Satan's pow'r
When we were gone astray:
O tidings of comfort and joy,
Comfort and joy,
O tidings of comfort and joy.

Those are very powerful lyrics to me.  They say  rest from your cares.  Don't let anything trouble you right now, because the Savior is here.  He's come to save us from the devil--not too many Christmas songs mention Satan, but in fact, that is why Jesus came--because we all sin.  I like that it says,"when we go astray,"  not if--we all do, it's just a matter of time.  Then the chorus--Comfort and Joy.  There's the 2 things I need most.

It's a good Christmas carol and I've never really given it a chance before.  I've just sang it and thought about men getting merry. 

Blackness

I had a thought today.

I thought about the darkness  following the Savior's death that was recorded by the Nephites.  The earthquakes, the floods, the tumult, the 3 days of blackness so thick that a fire couldn't be lit.

I thought about how the Father wanted the whole world to know his Son was dead.  He didn't want there to be any question in any one's mind that the world would never be the same again.

 

I'm fairly certain every parent who loses a child would like the world to go black for a time--just so there's no question.

Christmas Photo

Wish we were getting a family photo taken for Christmas, but "family photo" is kind of an oxymoron now.  I'm sure at some point we'll take another one--not right now.

Keeping on Course

Last week, the day after Thanksgiving we decided to forgo the black friday shopping for a day a Funworks.  We played miniature golf, drove go-carts, and rode the bumper cars.  We also got a handful of tokens for the arcade.  The best part was I bought the pass months ago on Groupon, so it felt like it was free.  We had a great time  It wasn't crowded at all and we avoided the mayhem at the mall.

I always seem to get the car that won't go fast or doesn't steer well.  It never fails.  This time, I finally decided that if I couldn't go fast, I would swerve all over the road to at least entertain myself.  It was ridiculous when Mikey nearly lapped me on the course.  I pretty much stink at the driving games on video games too.  The kids don't inform me that I've chosen the worst vehicle and driver/character until after I'm so frustrated that I quit.  I personally think I drive fine in my real car.  I don't get tickets or have accidents--well, not too many--knock on wood.

As we were reading the other night,  a couple of verses reminded me of driving go-carts. 

 1Timothy 1:5-6

 5 Now the end of the commandment is charity out of a pure heart, and of a good conscience,   and of faith unfeigned:

 6 From which some having swerved have turned aside unto vain jangling;

With all the times I've read about the "strait and narrow" and  God not walking in "crooked paths"  or "turning from the right hand to the left,"  I don't ever remember reading about "swerving." 

That's what  we mortals do sometimes.  Swerve.  We feel our lives aren't fast enough or exciting enough or that being charitable and pure in heart just isn't going anywhere, so we swerve--just like I did on the the go-cart course.  There's a lot of worldly things jangling at us trying to get our attention.  Especially at Christmas.  I'm going to try to stay on track and keep Christ the center of my focus, so I don't have to recover from veering off the road.