Intrigued

 

Matthew 7
How many times have I referenced and written something from that chapter?  What a great bunch of verses.  How much of the gospel can be crammed into one chapter?  It's got "Judge Not;"  "Beam in the Eye;"  "Pearls before Swine;" "Ask, Seek Knock"(one of my personal faves).  It's got the "Strait Gate;" "Know Them by their Fruits"; and "The Wise Man and the Foolish Man."

Today it's got this:

21Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
22Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
23And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

I overheard part of an institute class again this past week and wanted to write about it, but I wanted to look at the Joseph Smith Translation first.  There's a footnote with a JST for verse 21.  It reads:  "For the day soon cometh, that men shall come before me to judgment, to be judged according to their works."  What isn't in the footnote is a JST for verse 23. 

What I heard in the class is, that there is one. 
It just isn't in there. 
I was intrigued. 
Alot.  (Yes, I know that's supposed to be 2 seperate words.)

I didn't hear where I could find it and there wasn't really a time this week to ask.  Keith found it for me last night.  In our library, we have a copy of Holy Scriptures Inspired Version  published by the Reorganized Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It's the whole Joseph Smith Translation.  Old and New Testament.  There's an explanation in the front about how the manuscripts were left in Emma's possession and that it was published as a gift to our church and the world.  Interesting.  I don't think I've ever looked at it before.  Anyway. . .

The translation of verse 23 is so interesting to me.  It says: 

"And then will I say,  Ye never knew me; depart from me ye that work iniquity."

To me that is such a significant meaning change. 
I wonder why it "didn't make the cut"--as the institute instructor said. 
Me, not knowing the Savior is vastly different than Him not knowing me. 
Vastly different.
 
If there is ever distance or lack of remembrance or misunderstanding between me and the Savior, it's always on my part.  In fact, this verse kind of explains all the others that it follows.  For example, If I don't learn not to judge, I never knew Him.  If I don't seek Him then I don't want to know Him.  If I don't bring forth good fruit and show Him that I know Him, then I must not know Him.

Sign Seeking

 If the lead story on the news tonight was about atmospheric conditions changing due to global warning and a forecast of a day with longer sunlight hours, would I think twice about it?  If they said that their computers models show a sunspot heading toward us that might give us a night or two like Alaska, would I recognize the symbol of the second coming of Jesus Christ?  If that was forecast, would the prophet let us all know that it was THE sign not just a freak weather phenomenon? 

It worries me a little that these days we have a scientific answer for everything.  We explain everything in advance.  There are press conferences to tell us that someone is going to announce something.  With the technology we have, are we better off than the Nephites, or just more callous to the signs of our time?

I was reading the first couple chapters of 3rd Nephi the other day and some things jumped out at me.  

 8 . . . they did watch steadfastly for that day and that night and that day which should be as one day as if there were no night, that they might know that their faith had not been vain. 

Am I steadfastly watching for the signs now?  Do I go outside every night hoping that it won't get dark so that I know my faith isn't in vain?  Maybe I should.  Maybe I should be that excited and diligent. 

9 Now it came to pass that there was a day set apart by the unbelievers, that all those who believed in those traditions should be put to death except the sign should come to pass, which had been given by Samuel the prophet.

 

Is it going to get down to the very last night this time--when all those who believe will be put to death if they don't deny?  With the spread of anti-Christian belief all around the world, I'm beginning to wonder. 

 10 Now it came to pass that when Nephi, the son of Nephi, saw this wickedness of his people, his heart was exceedingly sorrowful.

 11 And it came to pass that he went out and bowed himself down upon the earth, and cried mightily to his God in behalf of his people, yea, those who were about to be destroyed because of their faith in the tradition of their fathers.

It sounds  pretty dire when a prophet is praying that his people won't be killed because of their faith, but he got the answer: 

 14 . . . And behold, the time is at hand, and this night shall the sign be given.

 15 And it came to pass that the words which came unto Nephi were fulfilled, according as they had been spoken; for behold, at the going down of the sun there was no darkness; and the people began to be astonished because there was no darkness when the night came.

17 And they began to know that the Son of God must shortly appear; yea, in fine, all the people upon the face of the whole earth from the west to the east, both in the land north and in the land south, were so exceedingly astonished that they fell to the earth.

 18 For they knew that the prophets had testified of these things for many years, and that the sign which had been given was already at hand; and they began to fear because of their iniquity and their unbelief.

 19 And it came to pass that there was no darkness in all that night, but it was as light as though it was mid-day. And it came to pass that the sun did rise in the morning again, according to its proper order; and they knew that it was the day that the Lord should be born, because of the sign which had been given.

Today, in our modern world, would we see the sign?    Would we be "greatly astonished?"   

 21 And it came to pass also that a new star did appear, according to the word.

 22 And it came to pass that from this time forth there began to be lyings sent forth among the people, by Satan, to harden their hearts, to the intent that they might not believe in those signs and wonders which they had seen; but notwithstanding these lyings and deceivings the more part of the people did believe, and were converted unto the Lord.

Would we just hear on the news that a planet had fallen from it's normal orbitnew spot or that the Hubble Telescope view shows that 2 stars collided and melded together?  Satan's deceptions have gotten much more sophisticated in the last few centuries.  At least that's how I see it. 

Taylor

Ian's buddy got a mission call last week.  I say a mission call, not his mission call because his mission call will hopefully come in January or so.  He's a heart kid.  They want to see if he can handle the rigor of missionary life before they present  him with a 2 year commitment.  It's too bad, but I'm really glad they didn't just tell him no.

He'll be serving in the Fresno Mission for 12 weeks beginning on Halloween--good day for anything.  He won't go to the MTC because he can't do the higher altitude of Utah.  His call will need to be semi-local because his doctors said he could only go if he didn't miss his annual appointments.  He doesn't know yet whether he'll be able to go to the temple before he starts.  In situations like this, elders don't usually, but if he doesn't,  his father will be in Afghanistan and unable to go to the temple with him.  They are waiting for special permission from Salt Lake.

My point in recording this story is that sometimes it's really hard to do the right thing.  This boy has wanted to serve a mission his whole life.  Everything about the whole process has been complicated.  It would be so easy for him to say, "Nevermind, I have a health condition.  I'm off the hook."  He's not doing that.  He's dedicated.  He's determined.  No wonder he and Ian were friends!

I sure hope he gets a happy ending for his mission--and his life.

Whose Mom?

There's a student that comes into the institute almost every day.  He's so polite and I've gotten used to him being there.  The other day he showed me a funny YouTube video.  Yesterday, he came in to ask me a few questions about the upcoming luau and sat down for a  minute.

We were talking about him attending a mission prep class and I asked when he was planning on going on his mission.  He said,  "Oh, I won't even be 18 until November."  I said,  "You're my son, Ian's age.  He would've turned 18 last month."

To my surprise, he said,  "You're Ian's Mom?  I knew Ian.  I was at scout camp when he got the "Cool Dude" award."

It's been a while since anyone referenced me as Ian's mom.  I used to get it at school, stake activities, and just, all over town.  It's a title I love.  It felt really good to hear it again.

Book Club, Sweet Book Club

I finished my book club book today.   Since I can't say what I think at book club,  I think I'll use this private forum of mine.

What a stupid, stupid choice.  Let me back up.  I went to 2 branches of the library to find it.  When I looked on the computer, I found that no library in the county had it.  That should have been my first clue.  I finally accepted that I would have to spend money on a book that I didn't know whether I would like and went to Barnes and Noble.  I asked for it and they thought it was a recipe book and said they didn't have it.  I told them it was fiction and the author's name, only to find out it was in the children's section--not even young adult or teen but the actual children's section.

I got the paperback, so at least it didn't cost me $16, but it wasn't worth the $6.  Here's the title, are you ready:  The Candymakers.  It's about children who win a contest and get to tour a candy factory.  Sound familiar?  There are four 12 years olds, 3 boys and a girl.  They all have their own issues and quirks.  My favorite one was the 12 year old boy who is trying to deal with death.  His phobias and coping mechanisms were especially entertaining to me--can you hear the sarcasm?  It's my book club.  Did it even dawn on the person who chose this (who, yes, had already read it)  that I was living with this in reality?    I could make a list of real-life, in my home, osbtacles that my 12 year old faces every day.

Of course, in the end, it turned out the person who died wasn't really dead and there was a happy ending.  That infuriated me even further.  But what should I expect from a child's book right?

The writing was okay I suppose--for 12 year olds.  Predictable--maybe not for preteens.  There were spies,  bullies,  fantasy contests and oh yeah,  caffeine as a villain. 

How could I possibly hate it?

No Title

The last few days I've had a flare-up of regret and guilt.  It's no secret that I wish I had been different, done different; and said different things as a mother.  It came to me the other night though, that I have one thing that I said/did that I don't regret.

I told Ian to go.  As the doctors were frantic and the chaos was ensuing in his room, Keith was blessing him and I told him to go.  In fact,  I think I said, "Run."

I'm not sorry I said that.  I'm not regretful that I didn't want him to keep suffering.  I'm not sorry that I didn't beg him to stay. 

I ache for him to be here and I blame myself for pushing him too hard.and being frustrated with his teenage angst.  I blame myself for not understanding how bad things were and not taking  him to the hospital earlier.   I regret a lot of things.

BUT,  I never rethink telling him to go.

"A Parently"

Today's post is totally not my words.
I didn't want to link, but I do want to give credit  to the actual writer.
His name is Scott McCown and his blog is called The Morning Drive.
I think this is very clever.

Apparently, some parents are not parenting.
Apparently, some think parenting is the same as having offspring.
Apparently, some parents want to be their child’s best friend and not their guide.
Apparently, some children have never heard the word, “no” and consequently rule the home.
Apparently, some children receive little if any training in the discipline of life.
Apparently, we are not teaching parents that education begins and continues at home.
Apparently, we are not teaching families that religion begins at home.
Apparently, according to someone I talked with recently, my way of thinking is both old fashioned, yet radical.
Apparently, I misunderstand Deuteronomy 6:4-9, Joshua 24:15, and Proverbs 29:15.
Apparently – a parently – so.
-Scott

Isn't that clever?

High Tide

The waves of grief were back to slap me today.  I'm not even sure what caused it.
Nothing, I don't need a reason. 
All the old feelings of guilt were drowning me. 
Here's the list:

Why did I leave Ian home on that mattress and go blueberry picking?
Why didn't I tell Keith he couldn't go to Oregon, that I needed him to meet us at the hospital days before we actually went?
Why didn't I yell and scream and insist that they do every test  possible?
Why didn't I figure out why I was an emotional basket case for weeks?
Why?
Why?
Why?

Mikey's a lot shorter than me.  Waves cover him easier.  He's been under-water for a couple of months.  What can I do?
Why now?

Just Questions.
No Resolution.
No Insight.

My Girl



I Love Lucy

 Best Costume Prize for a 50s Sweet 16 party. 
Not a retro dress, but great-grandma's actual dress, scarf and pearls.  Go Lucy.

Introductions

I went to a meeting  for the seminary teachers last weekend.  It was an opportunity to meet all the people I'll be working with.  The director asked me to introduce myself.  I just said my name, no details.  I can't really give more of an introduction than that.  I don't want to tell anyone about my life, my family.  I don't want to answer any questions.  I don't want to show any emotion.

It's the third or fourth time this has happened.  I finally understand it.  It doesn't change anything,  I'll probably do exactly the same thing next time, and the next.

small, Medium, LARGE

"Hi, my name is Teresa and I'm a psychic medium."

Yeah, I caught the fever.  I watched the marathon catch-up of Long Island Medium.  I've always liked psychics.  I always watched John Edward when I could find him.  It intrigues me.  I think that it could be possible for someone to have that gift to sense spirits, maybe even communicate with them.  After all, we are taught by Brigham Young that the spirit world is here around us.

I even like the idea that somebody could bring me a message from Ian, Duh.

But,  the new episode that aired this week crossed the line--my line.  She sat down with a couple of women; a mother and her adult daughter.  They had lost someone close to them and she had something very interesting to tell them.  She said it was a rare occurrence but their loved one--the other daughter, had come back in the body of the granddaughter.  Whoa!  Whoa!

Spirits.  Connection.  Communication.  Love lasting forever.  Yep.

Reincarnation.  No.

The Wise Man

I sat in on (out, in my office) my first institute class.  It was a New Testament class.  They were talking about the wise man and the foolish man.  The teacher asked what the difference between them was.  He got a lot of different answers  I couldn't hear them all.  There were noisy kids in the lobby--it's an adult-friendly class.  Then he read the verse.

Matthew 7:24-27

Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:

I heard it in a new way.  I thought about it all day. 

You're wise if you're obedient.  If you do more than just hear.  If you listen and actually do something.  That's what makes you wise.  It's like the parable of the ten virgins.  It's not about who knows or believes;  it's about who acts.

 ²⁵ And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.

²⁶ And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
²⁷ And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.

I also thought about the fact that whether you're wise or foolish, the winds still pound you.  Being wise/obedient doesn't prevent the storm, it just gives  you refuge during the hard time.

Keep the Sabbath Day Holy

Can anyone ever keep the Sabbath day too holy?

I'm a long way from that.
I really tried today.
It felt good.
I need to focus on it for a while.
There's a lot more to it than what I shouldn't do.

Start to Finish

Wow, today was a remarkably bad day.  In fact, I guess it started last night.  We went to a wedding reception.  It was for a young man we care for.  We are happy for him and glad he's heading in the right direction in life. 

I want that for Ian.  I'm painfully aware that I don't get to have a wedding reception for my son.  No tuxedo, no cake, no pretty girl.  It sucks.  To make things worse, one of Ian's pretty girls was there and she came and sat down right next to me.  I hate seeing her.  It hurts.  She's getting her patriarchal blessing and talking about how old she'll be when she has her big wedding day.  I can't stand it.

Then, this morning, I had to get up early for a faculty meeting at the institute.  On the way there I thought about how I should've been strong enough to do the heart walk this year.  It was today.  I had to drive right past the campus to get where I was going.  I hope Ian doesn't care that I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't.  It's not going to bring him back;  it's not going to help him;  it doesn't get me any 'strongest mother of the year' award--so why bother?  When I thought about the shirts a month or two ago, all I could think of was  "Ian's Team--He's gone and walking won't bring him back."  So we decided not to do it.  Then,  when I actually got to UOP, there weren't balloons, no signs, no crowd that I could see and that made me even sadder.

After my meeting, I had some errands to run.  I turned on the radio so I wouldn't feel so alone in the car.  The Bee Gees came on singing "Stayin' Alive."  I sang for 5 seconds or so and then thought about how it's the CPR song and then in my head I saw the doctors gathered around my son doing CPR, unable to save him.  I quickly changed the channel to spare myself the agony, but the next station was Queen,  "We are the Champions."  One of Ian's faves.  Second bawling for the day. 

There was a baptism after that.  The intermediate songs were "I am a Child of God," which Keith can't sing  (that's his story to tell, not mine) and  Families Can be Together Forever, which I still feel like is a form of brainwashing.  No family gets to remain intact forever--because forever includes now!!!  Then the closing song was "Army of Helaman."  It made me cry right for the third time today--right there in the meeting.  Nobody wanted to be a missionary more than my Ian.  He listened and learned and obeyed as well as any member of Helaman's Army.  God didn't spare him.  I think it would be just as good a story if 2 or 3 of them had perished.  Would it mean they had less faith if God took them--if their time on earth was over?  Would their mothers have been less effective teachers if they had died?  The story gives the false impression that we have some control over when our time is up and if we just trust enough, we can make it through anything.  Bah!

No the day's not over at this point, but I was past the point of no return.  I cried while Lucy got a haircut.  I cried on the way home and then I shut myself in my room and did crossword puzzles.  My family got no dinner and I had to really psych myself up to go to a HP social.  I sat by myself and felt pretty mellow.  When we got home I gave in to the day.  I surrendered.  I put on Parent Trap--one of Ian's "I don't feel good movies" and cried some more.  Nothing like a little Lindsey Lohan to help me wallow in what could have been and finish off a perfectly horrible day.

Good Read

I've read some really good books over the past few months.  Some not so good ones too.  I finished one today.  It's called Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom.  I got it because I read The Five People You Meet in Heaven and loved it and Tuesdays with Morrie was so good.  He's an engaging writer, I think, because of the subject matter he chooses both with fiction and nonfiction.

Have a Little Faith is nonfiction like Tuesdays.  It's about his Rabbi who asks him to do the eulogy at his funeral.  I folded down several pages because I thought some of the thoughts were profound.  I'm going to share a few.

The first describes one of the rabbi's sermons where he brought a squash and a piece of wood as visual aids to the pulpit.  He stabs each with a knife and then talks about how things that grow quickly are more easily destroyed than things that grow over time.  That's all it says.  The author goes on with other things, but that's a real thought provoker to me.  Faith, trust, commitment, love are all things that grow like a tree and don't really produce wood for a really long time.  Whereas the squash plant sprouts in a few days and blossoms in a few weeks and has so much squash you hardly know what to do with it--but only for a very short period of time.  (Unless you are me and then you can't even get zucchini to grow.)  Anyway,  I think that's a really good lesson.  One of those Our time vs. God's time things.  One of those life is but a small moment things.

Here's another tidbit.  "Faith is about doing.  You are how you act, not just how you believe."  For a Jewish rabbi, that's about as close to a New Testament quoting of "faith without works is dead " as you can get.  Again it made me pause for a minute and fold the page.

The next one I'm going to include the whole thing:

It is 1974 and I am in my religious high school.  The subject is the parting of the Red Sea.  I yawn.  What is left to learn about this?  I've heard it a million times.  I look across the room to a girl I like and contemplate how hard it would be to get her attention.  "There is a Talmudic commentary here,"  the teacher says.  Oh, great, I figure.  This means translation, which is slow and painful.  But as the story unfolds, I begin to pay attention.  After the Israelites safely crossed the Red Sea, the Egyptians chased after them and were drowned.  God's angels wanted to celebrate the enemy's demise.  According to the commentary,  God saw this and grew angry.  He said,  in essence:  "Stop celebrating. For those were my children too."  "What do you think of that?"  the teacher asks us.  Someone else answers.  But I know what I think.  I think it is the first time I've heard that God might love the "enemy" as well as us.  Years later, I will forget the class, forget the teacher's name, forget the girl across the room.  But I will remember that story.

I've never heard this--why would I have?  It's in a Talmudic commentary.  But when I see the Ten Commandments movie or read bits of it in accounts by later prophets talking about the miracle,  there's always a bit of cheering in my mind when the Egyptians get covered by the water.  I'd never thought about how it wouldn't be all joyful for God to see that many of his children destroyed no matter the circumstance.

I don't know how much I want to write but at least one more. 
The rabbi talks about when babies are born their fists are clenched because they want to grab everything in this world and hold onto it.  But when we die, are hands are open because we know we can't take anything with us. 
I don't have a lot to say about that except I like it.

This is the last one.  It's a Buddhist parable.

A farmer wakes up to find that his horse has run off.  The neighbors come by and say,  "Too bad.  Such awful luck."  The farmer says,  "Maybe."  The next day the horse returns with a few other horses.  The neighbors congratulate the farmer on his reversal of fortune.  "Maybe,"  the farmer says.  When his son tries to ride one of the new horses, he breaks his leg, and the neighbors offer condolences.  "Maybe," the farmer says.  And the next day, when army officials come to draft the son--and don't take him because of his broken leg--everyone is happy.  "Maybe,"  the farmer says.

Isn't that just like life.  We can never be sure which things are best for us and which things are just brought on by our own stupid ways.  At least I can't.

It was a good book.  I highly recommend it.

Little Pieces

We bought this orange sofa today.
Lucy started taping Animal Cops.
Mikey got out plaid shorts and tie-dye shirts to wear.

It would be so great if all the little pieces of Ian that we try to have around the house would add up to a whole Ian around the house.

Pow! Pow-pow

I heard a great thought today. 
Just a little thing I jotted down at church and want to remember.

"Contention isn't like a gun.  You can't point it just at one person. 
It fills a whole room and affects all there." 

Isn't that great. 
Sometimes I'm contentious and I see how it affects Mikey even if he has nothing to do with what I'm upset about.    I hope I can remember this little tiny quote.