Lazy

You know that percentage of daily requirements on the side of a cereal box--the one that says half a cup is a serving and adding skim milk changes everything?  Well,  today I think I am putting forth the minimum daily requirement of effort.
I got Lucy to the orthodontist;  I got Mikey's b-day presents;   Now I'm done.  I'm taking the rest of the day off.
Minimum daily requirement.

Gift of Sunshine and Good Friends

Good day today.
What  a good day.
I have to say the any day that starts out by going to the country is good, but this was much more.
Great friends sharing an important event. 
Good day. 

I pulled out my program a couple times during church, put down some chicken scratch, and gave myself some things to ponder for awhile.  But I also came to some conclusions that I want to post about.  Relief Society was about service and sacrifice and I found myself unusually up and optimistic.  Like I said, it was a good day with good people.

The teacher spoke of the sacrifice it takes to live the gospel.  She gave many examples:  visiting teaching, temple attendance and motherhood. 
I sat there thinking how lucky and blessed I am to be a mom.  I always thought that my trial in life would be not having any children.  What an incredible gift.  I am full of joy that motherhood gives.  I know so many women who never got the chance to marry or that physically couldn't have children or that could only have one child or that have to leave their children everyday from the time they are born to try and make ends meet.  Being a mom is a "get to."  It's not a sacrifice.  Sure I have had my moments complaining about it, but today I just thought what  a gift it is.

I also get to go to the temple.  What percentage of people on this planet get to go to a place where God can be.  It's not a sacrifice to me to go there and spend 3 hours.  I do have a hard time some months fitting it in, but I never feel put upon  by having to go.  It's an honor, a privilege.  Where else can I feel like I'm serving someone I can't see or whom I've never met?  It's a cool thing.

Visiting teaching,  wow, some of the best friends I've ever had have been those who either have visited me or I have visited through this program.  I think Heavenly Father has hand-picked friends and sisters for each of us--people who can fulfill our needs and make us happy and he gives them to us through visiting teaching.  If everyone looked at the program that way maybe they would look forward to visiting every month and to being visited as well. 
Of course there's no guarantee. 
So.

Nothing profound today.
It is good though to have an up day.  A day when I feel the sun on my face and in my heart.
Thanks Colborns.

Dad's Poem

Memorial Day

The fragrance of cut flowers is strong and sweet
and as annual visitors walk slowly and putter meaninglessly,
the freshly cleared marble and granite monuments shine.
The lawn is mowed, all trash and eyesores are removed,
and even the sun shines with warmth and brilliance on
this day we remember. . .  what we normally try to forget.

Flags fly at half mast as a tribute.  Are they who are
gone more or less fortunate than those of us who remain?
Are we really expected to understand?

From dust we came, and many have returned.  Perhaps that
is why it seems so little, to beautify the dust, to come a
little closer to them,  to die a little more ourselves.
Perhaps the goal is to feel close enough to those parted
that we no longer fear death.  Maybe the reaction to not care
when that time comes is to be suppressed. 

Memorial day is not a beautiful day--warm temperatures,
Clear blue skies, and scratching in the earth cannot make it so.
Remembering opens wounds not yet healed and reinstates the
emptiness.

If,  after all, the purpose is to remember;
For those somewhere who could forget, then let it be,
But for those who live a shadow of a past time already,
Memorial day is a cruelty seldom equaled.

"Remember the good" is often said, and to do so reminds
one of what has been and is no more.  Remembering the bad only
causes wishes for another chance, not possible,
and remorse for mistakes.

Remembering is for those with little to remember and
those who will yet have remembering to do.
Those of us in neither category
would rather go to work as usual.

--Jack,  my dad written in 1974, the memorial day after he lost his 15 year old son.  Not bad.  Says it pretty well.

Nobody should have to pick out flowers and wonder if they are right for a teenage boy.  Teenage boys shouldn't need flowers.

We got pretty ones anyway.

Endure to the End

I've had the image of steps in my head for months.  Not exactly like these, but I didn't want to draw the image myself, so I just picked this  because it was a little obscure.  I've been trying to figure what it means for quite some time.  I think, to me, it is a perfect visual for the gospel--not as a whole, but in little pieces--in bits of scripture verses.   

Take the word endure.

Here's an example:

Matthew 24: 13  But he that shall endure to the end, the same shall be saved. 

That's a pretty plain statement.  It doesn't leave a lot to be interpreted.  It's definitely a bottom step in my picture.  It's the principle to teach to little children and those who are not familiar with Christ's doctrine.  It means you need to last.  You can't just believe for 5 minutes and expect to be "saved."--that word is enough for another post all by itself.

As I read more and familiarize myself with the words and wordings in the scriptures I see that enduring to the end isn't as simple as this one verse tells us.  Of course, maybe this verse said more before it was translated 20 or so times, but right now it is really straightforward and plain.

How about this one: 

2 Nephi 31:16  And now, by beloved brethren, I know by this that unless a man shall endure to the end, in following the example of the Son of the living God, he cannot be saved.

That one doesn't sound quite as simple.  Following the Savior's example is a challenge to say the least.  We know we can't follow his example in all things because we are not perfect as he was/is.  We still need to try.  This is definitely a step above the basics.

Next, just following in that same chapter it reads:

2 Nephi 31:20  Wherefore,  ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father:  Ye shall have eternal life.

This verse adds so much  to the baseline endurance.  Bright hope means, at least to me, that we have to have the faith to understand why enduring is important--what the endgame is.  Feasting on Christ's words--maybe devouring, savoring, enjoying His teachings.  Pressing forward adds the concept of resistance.  Almost like a hard wind or a hill in the middle of a marathon run.  To get to this level of endurance someone has to be working at it, maybe even breaking a sweat.  It's definitely a few steps higher in the climb of really understanding.

Doctrine and Covenants 24:8  Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days.

This one kind of tells me that even if I am working and learning and trying to follow the example of Jesus,  there will be really hard things thrown in my path and I'll probably trip several times.  Learning that I can do hard things is a lesson in patience and also that I can have strength from heaven with me at all times.  I shouldn't be deterred or detoured depending on how you look at it.

Hebrews 12:7  If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?

Back to not being in charge.  God wants to let us know when we need to make adjustments in our lives.  What father wouldn't.  My father writes my brothers and me letters when he wants to impress something upon us.  Sometimes it's hard to hear.  Same is true with our Father in heaven.  Chastening is correction.  I need that--often.  I tend to wander.  My pride cycle seems to run it's course faster than even the Nephites sometimes.  I like to be in charge.  This one may be a hard step to stay on in my picture.  Sometimes it's easier to take a step back, or down in this case, than to endure chastening.

James 1: 12  Blessed is the man that endureth temptation:  for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord hath promised to them that love him.

There's always that.  I'm weak.  Some temptations seem to get me every time.  Enduring temptations is tricky.  The devil knows where we are in our climb toward God too.  He can make the steps pretty slippery at times.

Lastly,

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8 & 29  My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;   And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.  All thrones and dominions,  principalities and powers, shall be revealed and set forth upon all who have endured valiantly for the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Words like suffering and buffeting--not the eating kind, the strike repeatedly and violently kind, come to mind.  Perseverance, probation, diligence, and trustworthiness are the words in the footnotes.  I guess my definition for valiant endurance would be a targeted determination--a "nothing will ever get in my way" type of goal.

Endure to the end means more than lasting.  We are not merely expected to finish the race of this life, we are challenged to win the prize. (Mosiah 4:27)

Endless Possibilities

There is just no real limit to the things that can hurt. 

I grabbed the hair brush out of the cupboard this morning and started to comb Mikey's hair.  The tears started rolling down my cheeks--totally unexpected.  He looked up at me and I said,  "It won't be long until you don't want me to comb your hair."  He assured me I have plenty of time.  He's such a good boy.  Soon he'll be  a young man and then a man.  I have a catch in my throat even typing that though.  I thought Ian would get to be a man.

We went to a mission farewell this weekend.  It is quite a  process to prepare for something like that.  I know it's going to sting and I don't want to look pathetic when it does.  It would be great if there were spanx or girdles for emotions--something you could just pull on to keep ugly cries from popping out where others can see it.  Humiliating yourself. 

I did okay.  I spent part of the meeting thinking that if Ian were on a mission, I'd already be at the point where I was counting down the days. 

Then there was the surprise guy on the stand who knew us when Ian was born.  He had a son a month of two after.  I looked around to see his son--see how big he was and how old he looked and wonder what Ian would look like. 

Then, of course there was the sister of the leaving elder--one of the girls Ian always wanted to date--a girl who always made him blush.  It's always hard to see her.  She will be graduating soon, starting a beautiful life.  It was hard to hear her dad say that she doesn't date.  It's not the first time I've heard it.  There's a list of girls who aren't dating, who would be if my young man were here.  Keith and I lay in bed Sunday night talking about how much fun Ian would be having dating every weekend--how he wouldn't be afraid.  He would just be asking and having a blast.  His best friend isn't dating either.  He was supposed to be doubling with Ian--that's what he told us.  So he just doesn't date.

Wow,  all that can just come pouring out because I brushed Mikey's hair this morning.

The Right Choice

I hate having to choose between anything and my kids.
Especially good things--obligations.
I struggled and struggled for the last several days.

I chose Mikey.

We played rummy and war.  We watched  America's Got Talent.  We made cheese and broccoli soup.

Good Choice.

Vote For Ian

Lucy's making progress.
She asked me to write her brother's name in on the upcoming election ballot.
How great is that?
If Ian were here he'd say  "Vote for Pedro."

I had to crop the moon boots to get the close-up of his expression.

Obituary

   

      Jeanene Watkins Scott, wife of Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve, died May 15 at her Salt Lake City home of cancer. She was 65.
      A daughter of Arthur V. and Andrea Rich Watkins, she was born June 30, 1929, in Orem, Utah. She moved to Washington, D.C., at age 18, after her father was elected to the U.S. Senate. She earned a degree in sociology from George Washington University.  At the LDS ward in Washington, D.C., she met Richard G. Scott, who had attended George Washington University, studying mechanical engineering.
      In an interview for an article in the Church News April 30, 1977, Elder Scott said: "Jeanene had been raised in a very active LDS family, and she had made some basic decisions in her life. She wanted to marry a returned missionary and to be married in the temple.
      "When we found out we were becoming very serious with each other, one day she let me know, although not in a challenging or defensive way, that the man she would marry would have to fulfill those requirements."
      At that time, Elder Scott was 22, a recent college graduate. He said he prayed "more earnestly than I had ever prayed in my life." He was prompted to go on a mission.
      He went to the Uruguay Mission. Jeanene Watkins served in the Northwestern States. He returned from his mission a short time after she did, and they were married two weeks later, on July 18, 1953, in the Manti Temple.
      She served with him as he presided over the Argentina Cordoba Mission from 1965-1969. Ever since Elder Scott was called as a General Authority in April 1977, Sister Scott traveled extensively with him.
      Sister Scott often addressed Church groups and spoke at seminars for wives of mission presidents. She did extensive family history work, was a spiritual living teacher in the Relief Society and had served in other Church organizations and callings.
      Elder and Sister Scott are parents of seven children, five of whom are living: Mary Lee Scott, Orem, Utah; Kenneth L. Scott, Mesa, Ariz.; Linda (Monte) Mickle, Houston, Texas; David M. Scott, Salt Lake City; and Michael W. Scott, Provo, Utah. Sister Scott is survived also by six grandchildren.
      Funeral services were scheduled for Friday noon at the Salt Lake Mt. Olympus North Stake Center, with burial in the Wastach Lawn Memorial Park in Salt Lake City.

The year doesn't appear in this obituary.  It was 1995.  She's been gone for 17 years today.  So I choose to write about her (and her husband) today.  No, I'm not related to her, when I hear Elder Scott speak of her in general conference, it comforts me. 

I've heard soooo many people talk about all the miracles in their lives that have come through their faith.  More often than not, that hurts.  It's a combination of anger, jealousy and self-doubt in my own personal faith.  More than those things though, it's a knowledge-- a knowledgle that any day when their faith doesn't match God's will, they might be telling a different story.  BUT,  when I hear an apostle of the Lord grieving for the love of his life,  I realize that if anyone could've had or made a miracle, it's him.  Who could give a more fervent blessing or deserve to have his needs met more than him?   His wife is still gone.    2 of his children are also gone.   Even with his mountain of faith, things didn't go the way he would've wanted.   He's still grieving 17 years later and he's faithful anyway.

I wonder how he feels in testiomony meetings when people stand and relate the stories of miraculous healings.  I wonder if, as a prophet, seer and revelator, he can see--really see, the future with his beloved wife and children.  I wonder if that gives him comfort on days like today, when everyone assumes that it's been 17 years and he must be okay.  I wonder if, in 17 years, the  pain will still show on my face when I speak of Ian, the way it shows on his when he speaks of his wife.  I wonder if the time has flown for him and it still feels like it was just yesterday.

Here's a great quote from him about his wife and children who are gone. 

They provide a powerful motivation for each remaining
member of our family to live so that together we can
receive all of the eternal blessings promised in the temple.

I hope I can always feel that way too.

Mother's Day

I was all prepared to bawl all day. 

I planned to leave church as soon as Lucy's talk was done--especially since Keith told me they were giving hand sanitizer as the gift to the mothers.  I didn't even take my scriptures.  You know what?  I didn't suck any worse than any other day.  I stayed all 3 hours.  Even learned a thing or 2. 

I spent some time at the cemetery all by myself.  Sat there talking to a  piece of marble.  On the way home I heard a couple songs that made me think Ian was speaking back and I was feeling pretty good, then the next one that came on was "Evil Woman."  Guess I shouldn't have tried to put words in Ian's mouth.  I felt myself smirk as I quickly snapped the radio off.

When I got home my mother-in-law had an unusually thoughtful present for me and belated birthday cakes for both Keith and I.  Nothing horrible happened.  I didn't offend any of the extended family.  Overall, under the circumstances, I have to say,  "Not too bad."  Not nearly as bad as the lead up.  Anticipation is the worst.

I actually contemplated how awful it would have been to not have had 16 years with Ian.    I read some of his old Mother's Day cards out of my dresser drawer.

45

May 5th.
Cinco de Mayo.
My day.  Halfway to 90 today--that's what Lucy says.
I don't have to pretend for anybody today.  I can feel what I want. 
Life isn't all that great.
I can't make birthday wishes on cakes.  I'm pretty sure I said this last year.  I only have one wish and it's impossible.
I guess I could wish the world would end tomorrow.  Keith, Lucy, Mikey and I could still be together, but we could be with Ian too.
That would be a good day.

More of Michelle's Happy Thoughts

"If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses"

I've had these words and the melody that goes with them going through my mind all morning.  Sick, Right?
I decided to google the song and look at the rest. 

"If I Die Young"

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballad of a dove

Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

I hope there are lots of girls who died young for Ian to be flirting with.  I'm not sure about the pearls though.

After nearly 2 years, I've finally started listening to music again.  It's a hard thing.  It has memories attached.  I've written about that before.  But even new songs with poignant words are ridiculously hard.  There's another one that has a beautiful tune and I should be fine with it.--it's about a guy who lost his girlfriend--but I'm not.  Here's part of it.

"Not Over You"

Dreams, that's where I have to go
to see your beautiful face, anymore
I stare at a picture of you and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there's a conversation
where we both admit we had it good but
until then it's alienation, I know, that much is understood
And I realize

CHORUS:
If you ask me how I'm doin I would say I'm doin just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
and finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say, I'm not over you
Not over you

When Ian was 18 or so months old and supposedly dying the 1st, 2nd and 3rd times, I was staying at the hospital during the week.  Keith would leave work on Friday afternoons and come to the hospital with his bag for the weekend and I would go home to sleep--mind you, I spent most of Saturday there anyway.  Then on Sunday I would come with fresh laundry and start over again.  On the long drives to and from Boston to NH I would listen to the radio.  That was when I first heard "I Will Remember You" by Sarah Mclachlan.  They didn't say who it was and I didn't know.  With our life being so messed up for so long, it took me months to actually find the title and artist.  During that time it stuck with me.  I would sing parts and hum the parts I didn't know.  I wondered if I lost Ian at such a young age,  I would remember him, but he wouldn't remember me?  It's funny.  I look at the words now and see them differently.

"I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories"

But, I don't stop weeping.

Bifurcate

Mikey taught me a new word.  I don't know when I will ever use it.  It means to seperate.  They learned it at school when they talked about isolating parts of words for spelling and meaning purposes.

I know,  it's random. 
Sounds like a dental word to me. 
You learn something new everyday.

Seal My Heart

This post has been waiting a month or so.  I took notes in general conference  and several of them were actually about the words from the hymns that were sung.

"Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing"  is one of my favorites and has kind of made a come back over the last few years.  Even though it's not in our current hymnbook,  I hear it fairly often.  I sang it myself as a solo a few years ago.  It's the background score for the movie about the life of Emma Smith, and for some reason, it just seems to run through the veins for days after hearing it.   Lucy even learned it on the guitar and played it for her class.

Here are the words:  (As they appear in the old blue LDS hymnbook)

1.Come, thou fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace;
streams of mercy, never ceasing,
call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of thy redeeming love.

2.O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

When I heard this, my thoughts immediately focused on the last 2 lines--here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

It reminds me of all the hundreds of verses about the heart in the scriptures.  We are to have a broken heart and a contrite heart.  Next to one of those passages I have written "broken--like broken open."  I think a figurative breaking does really open us up to let spiritual things in.  In this hymn, the writer is speaking to God--the fount of all blessings and begging for help to be in tune with the spirit.  He's asking for the humility to know that grace is the biggest of all blessings.  He's asking for a beautiful way to share his praises because his words just don't do it justice.  Maybe if angels sang a sonnet, it could be worthy for God to hear.  He says he's fixed upon the mount.  He's facing the right way.  He has an eye single to the glory.  This is someone who has just been born again--had the mighty change of heart if you will.

He's admitting that the debt he owes can never be paid and that  he wishes he could always be faithful, even though he knows his own weaknesses and tendency to stray.  In the end he wants to be forever connected to God.  The word he uses is fetter, but that's like a shackle.  I think  maybe a safety line gives a better image--that would be great huh, to have the Lord be your belayer? 

He says here's my heart, please seal all the good inside it, so I'll never lose any of it, so I'll never forget anything.  Sanctify it with fire.  Cauterize it for me so when I get there with you, I'll be yours. 

I really get this.  I feel it.  Plus the traditional music that goes with it is gorgeous.

Here's a clip of MoTab singing it.  There are additional verses, but somehow I think they are clutter.