Easter



This past month all of the lessons for the youth have been focused on the Atonement.  I taught the first one of the month and I chose  the one on grace.  It taught me a lot.  I learned that the strength to do righteous things is also grace, not just the part of my sins that I can’t make up for.  I learned that the “SAVED BY GRACE” is the big emphasized part and the “after all that I can do” is the little miniscule part that hardly makes a blip on the screen.  Not that it’s any less needed, just that I’m not earning my way to heaven.  It’s a gift no matter what.

We had a lesson on the resurrection and heard  wonderful stories about families who lost members and how everything was alright because of the resurrection.  When the advisor asked for my thoughts on that, I’m sure she didn’t know what was coming.  I told the girls that knowing about resurrection doesn’t make death easy—that the story was simplistic and death is still unbearable, but that the resurrection and the assurance of immortality makes it better.
Today We were singing the Easter hymn —Christ the Lord is Risen Today.  It’s a really happy hymn and it makes me feel so good to sing it, but as we sang the 3rd verse about the sting of death,  I couldn’t help thinking about how Jesus wept when his friend Lazarus died.  “Jesus wept.”  That famous verse that all young children learn because it’s the shortest.  He knew he would raise him.  He knew things would be alright.  He knew the sisters would only have to grieve a little while longer.  But, He wept for his friend.
I’m going to use a reference here that is so random, but it’s pretty pertinent.  “Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end.”   That’s from an excellent movie I made Keith watch with me this weekend,  The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  That’s my take on the atonement; on life; on the plan of salvation.
That brings me to something else.  I had to give a talk in December.  I earned a new scripture with that talk.  I definitely feel I own it.  It gives me joy—the real true joy.  Let me explain.  God’s plan has many names.  In Alma 41 it is called the plan of restoration, then in chapter 42 we get the terms plan of salvation, plan of happiness, plan of redemption and plan of mercy.  Those are the ones we all hear about and give obediently when we are asked in Sunday School.  I found a name I like better; one that means even more to me.  It is found it 2nd Nephi chapter 11 verse 5.  It says: 
“And also my soul delighteth in the covenants of the Lord which he hath made to our fathers; yea, my soul delighteth in his grace, and in his justice, and  power and mercy in the great and eternal plan of deliverance from death.”
Isn’t that the coolest verse ever?  THE GREAT AND ETERNAL PLAN FOR DELIVERENCE FROM DEATH.  I want to be delivered from death.  I want everyone I love to be delivered from death.  PLUS, it includes all the other cool things about the atonement—grace, justice, power and mercy.
I delight in that too.  I delight in Easter.  I delight in hope—the hope that is possible because of Easter.

Societal Sin

I don't know where I saw it or read it--it was a long time ago.  It's scrawled on a little piece of paper in a pile of blog post things that I haven't written.  It's interesting.

Social engineering means "the art of gaining information by lying." 

There's a fancy, smart-sounding euphemism for lying to get what you want.  Amazing.  I really wish I could remember the context of that--what I thought of it at the time. 
On the back of the paper it says:
Socialite
social media
social networking
social gathering
sociopath
social climber
Tonight I add:
social situation
social security--don't get me started
social norms
A lot of those could have a slightly deceptive or manipulative (out for gain) undertone, couldn't  they?

I think if I was honest, I socially engineer at times.  I say things in a way to get the information I want.  I don't lie.  I'm a horrible liar.   I do, however, think long and hard about how to say things so that I will find out what I want to know and I interpret every word and try to assign it meaning.  I also omit. 

Lucy was telling me the other day about laying (I never remember if it's laying or lying) in bed thinking about a conversation she had and how she could have done it differently and why didn't she do this or say that.  I stopped her mid-sentence and told her to figure out how to not do that while she's still a teen because it will eat away at her later in life.

That's social engineering, right?  Plotting; maneuvering in conversation--whatever you want to call it.  Then there's the debrief afterward when you think,  "Wait a minute, did she mean....."  I'm thinking that in dissecting this and giving it attention that I now know it's a behavior I have to change.  Drag.  Another sin I commit that I didn't even realize.  That's the bad thing about a blog that's so self-focused, you find out all your flaws.

Okay, anyone who has this blog address doesn't need to worry.  I'm pretty open with all of you------or you wouldn't have the address.

Tidy Whities

Well, I’ve sunk to a new low today. 

I’ve been watching my life change over the past 6 months and while there is cause for relief, there are also warning signs that should never be ignored.  Here’s the thing:  I’m doing better enough to have normal  problems again. 
 
Mikey got up this morning and had no clean underwear for school.  I had to tell my son to wear yesterday’s underwear to school.  How awful is that?  What kind of mother am I?  This has never happened in 18+ years of being a mom.

I’m putting on a few pounds.  I’m comfort eating.  I’m bored eating and stress eating and not manically  burning calories to try and keep my mind busy.  It sucks.  2 years ago I was never eating and while I didn’t care how I looked, my body looked better. 

What else?  Because I’m not looking for spiritual meanings in things and writing about them,  I don’t see them much.    In fact, it’s been kind of a drought in that department.  Maybe it’s because Keith isn’t reaping the “bishop blessings” anymore. 

Ahh, the problems of normalness.  I’ll take them any day.  Oh yeah, still have the colossal problem too.  I miss you Ian.

Devoted, but not Hopelessly

A friend of mine made a comment in Sunday School that has stuck with me.  Here it is:

"All we need is faith and devotion."

I don't even remember the context, but the words have really stuck with me.  That sentence is only 7 words long and yet we could have days long discussions on it or several volumes of books written on it. 
Faith is a huge word encompassing complicated feelings and varying amounts on knowledge.  It is understood by 4 year old children and not comprehended by university scholars.  Even so,  I think, of the 2 nouns here, it's the more concrete.

How does one explain devotion?  You can't see or touch it any more than you can faith, and yet it is the expression of that faith.  It has implied measurement.  It includes love and respect and obedience and diligence and every other word in the Bible Dictionary.  All of our acts of love and service; our worship; our repentance; everything lies somewhere on our own personal but invisible devotion scale.

This scale isn't one where we can measure against others either.  It's personal, which is why it is so hard to define.  Whatever I say about it could be refuted by someone who sees it completely different.

It makes me think of the Chinese characters for faith.  Belief and Heart=believing heart.  I don't know what the characters are for devotion.  I should do some research.  To me they should be Belief and Hands=believing hands.  Devotion is what we do with our faith.
 
No, I guess what I should say is Devotion is what I do with my faith.  Everyone else can define the term the way their own faith dictates.

This Woman's Lib

I've posted a lot of things that I thought no one would understand.  This is one of those posts.  The topic is liberation. 

I feel such a huge weight lifted off of me the last month.  It's a little frightening what that weight was.  I'm kind of a "push back" person.  When I feel cornered, I come out swinging.  I play devil's advocate.  I don't want to be a sheep.  You get the idea.

Being a bishop's wife put me in a box--probably only in my own head, but what I felt or thought is what shaped my reality.  I felt pressure to be a certain way.  To have all the Sunday School Answer parts of my life in a row. I  Even in the face of the greatest adversity.  Keith was even told that people would be watching us grieve (more him than me, I'm sure).  Guess that meant we needed to appear strong even if we weren't feeling it.  May I just say, I think Keith handled counseling others in their trials quite well--course I know very little about that, but I'm proud of him.  What happened to me personally though was that I secretly resisted.  I pulled back from the things that I should do. 

Is that pride or sheer rebellion?  I don't know.

Here's where I'm liberated.  I feel now that I can pray because I want to;  read my scriptures and study the gospel just because I want to.  Not because I'm supposed to or because someone is watching.  Not because it's my duty to support my bishop husband.  I've always been insecure spiritually.  My whole life.  I don't know exactly what I've wanted, but I still haven't found it. 

Today, as I was reading my scriptures, I had a thought about something else and acted on it immediately.  It made my day easier.  It felt good and I realized that it was a teeny tiny bit of inspiration.

Great Quote:

"True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.
The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior
quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."
--Boyd K. Packer Oct. 1986

I wonder what all the therapists and life coaches think of that statement. 
To me it's just a reinforcement that looking to the Savior (and his behavior) is the best teacher.