Should be Happy

It would be so great to have a sister.  I really need  a sister sometimes.  Someone who would know by the tone of my voice what mood I was in and where to begin a conversation.  An identical twin sister would be even better--one who has had all the same experiences as me and the would react in the same fashion.  Somebody who I wouldn't have to explain why I'm down or confused or ornery.  I know everyone who has a sister must think this notion is ridiculous.  Who cares?  To someone who has never had one, it sounds incredibly reassuring and helpful.

I could call several (no, a handful of)  people today, but it would be awkward.  They would be busy and involved with their stuff and even after I told them what was on my mind, they wouldn't get it.  It really sucks.  I've burst into tears more times than I can count today. 

We found out Keith is being released from his duties as bishop.  I've been reflecting on it all day.  I'm going to have to get up on Sunday and say something coherent about the past 5 and a half years.  I don't know how I will do it.  I can't think of a single thing to say that is both honest and uplifting.  This time period has contained the worst time of my entire life.  It has contained the biggest hit on my testimony.  It has contained the time when I wanted  to attend church the least and the time when I had the most bad feelings toward the people around me.  I has been the time when I have felt the sorriest for myself; the time when I fought the hardest to not think God was unfair and cruel.

I can hear the members congratulating us on getting back to our normal family life and it will be all I can do to not unload and say that our normal family time is gone forever and we can never go back to where we were before.  I can look at sweet, young, innocent Mikey and think, yep, that's how big Ian was when we started this journey.  That's encouraging, right?

I thought about my dad being released from bishop today.  When he was called, I was at the Y.  While he served, I finished college, served my mission, got married and had a baby.  Reminiscing didn't really help.  He and mom left straight from the church after being released 19 years ago this month, with their bags packed and in the car to race across the snowy Sierra Mountains to be with us for Ian's first heart surgery.  He didn't get to bask in how wonderful it felt--that sense of relief, because he was worried for the life of my child.  Wow, I wish I would have that option this coming weekend.

So, I can fantasize that if I had a sister, she would get it.  She would understand.  She would know what to say.  She would  know that I need to talk about my feelings.  She wouldn't change the subject or make me feel like I should be over it by now.  Right?

Read More and Read the Right Things

Came across 2 really good thoughts this week--2 thoughts that are related.  I decided to share them without much comment.  They don't need much.  Unfortunately, this first one doesn't have a source for me to cite.  Just know that it's not mine.

On the table side by side
The Book of Mormon and the TV Guide.
One is well worn and cherished with pride;
Not the Book of Mormon, but the TV Guide.
One is used daily to help folks decide.
Nope not the Book of Mormon, but the TV Guide.
As pages are turned, what shall they see?
Oh, what does it matter; turn on the TV.
So they open the book from which they confide;
No, not the Book of Mormon, but the TV Guide.

The Word of God is seldom read.
Maybe a verse here or there before they fall into bed,
Exhausted and sleepy and tired as can be--
Not from reading the Book of Mormon
But from watching TV.
So back to the table, side by side,
The Book of Mormon and the TV Guide.
The Plan of Salvation is full and free,
But is found in the Book of Mormon, not the TV.

Now, besides the fact that my children don't even know what the TV Guide is (UGH), it's such a great contrasting poem.  And, I'm guilty.
I often am too tired to read my scriptures before bed because I had to watch something--mostly stupid--on TV.

The other quote is from an early general authority,  John A. Widstoe.

"It is a paradox that men will gladly devote time every day for many years to learn a science or an art, yet will expect to win a knowledge of the gospel, which comprehends all sciences and arts, through perfunctory glances at books or occasional listening to sermons. The gospel should be studied more intensively than any school or college subject."

 Isn't that a great quote?  I need to take them to heart.

Traffic Jam

We were caught in a bit of traffic jam  this past week--not  a huge one, just a half an hour or so of stop and go.  Keith gets tense in traffic.  His jaw tightens.  He squints.  I always offer to drive.  It doesn't get to me quite as much because I don't have to deal with it nearly as often.

This traffic back-up was like all the others with us in the front seats together.  Keith pulled out of his lane a little to try to see what was going on up ahead.  Usually he turns on the radio for an update.  I always ask the same question--What difference does it make why we're stuck? We're stuck.

This time, this traffic jam, I understood why it matters to him.  Knowing why something is happening makes it easier.

I wish I could see up ahead and know why I have to be stuck in this place.  Why my baby is away from his mom.  If I could get an update on how long I have to be without him, it might help.  If I could be assured that taking a different route or a detour wouldn't have prevented the being stuck here, I might be able to get back up to speed.

Why?  The question that never stops.  No matter how many days pass or how many lessons I learn, it's still there.