Legacy

Things are passed down from generation to generation.  Some things  you want to inherit and some things you don't.  I'm thrilled to have my grandmothers' cameos.  Grandma O'Driscoll's was a given.  I'm the only granddaughter, but to have Grandma Rich's and her mother's too,  well,  I feel very lucky.  I wear each of them with pride and actually think about the great ladies who had them before me.  

I've inherited other things as well.  My father's temper.  I hope my kids love me as much as I love my dad.  I hope they see that I'm more than a temper.  I hope they hear the compliments and the love and not just the loud, belittling rage.  I hope Ian could see.  I still have time to change for Michael and Lucy.  I want to. 

I see so many wonderful things about my dad.  He has taught me more things than I can list.  He's so wise and really quite sensitive and creative.  I've had time to be able to see those things and balance them against his quick fuse.  No, he never struck me.

I want to learn a different way.  In the world of  "Fight or Flight",   I definitely got fight.  In most ways,  I'm glad.  I don't walk away from things.  I'm loyal and determined and persistent.   On the other hand,  I don't walk away from things, so I'm confrontational and stubborn and opinionated.  I can't even guess how many times I've been told to stop yelling at someone when I had know idea I was yelling--didn't even think I was upset, but that's how I come across.

Oh, I hide it well when I need to.  I can come off as polite, demure, little me when I want to.  I think I'm afraid if I change my temperment, I'll turn into a stepford wife and I'll have no passion for anything.  I might stop fighting for the things that are really important--not just to me, but just really important.

I hear the  phrase "pick your battles" a lot.  Are most of the battles important?  I had a conversation with some one this week about her son and how he couldn't sit down  at the dinner table--for 2 years.  He stood up to eat for 2 years.  She said she had to pick her battles and it was just easier to let him stand than to get upset and let it ruin dinner.  In my world I would try 5 or 6 different things like,  "You don't sit, you don't eat,"  for one  and then I'd scream about it,  maybe even before the sixth thing.  All the battles seem important.

I heard myself say to Keith recently (about something totally unrelated to this),  "You don't believe you can do it, do you?"  That has stuck in my head.  That's how I feel about changing my temper.  After trying for 10+ years, I just don't know what to try next.  It's like being an alcoholic.  I am sweet for a nice long time and then break into a good loud rant and I'm right back where I started.  And just because I think I inherited it from my dad doesn't mean I don't think it's my fault.  I just  have to find a way to change it.

There, a post that doesn't come to any sort of resolution.