Start to Finish

Wow, today was a remarkably bad day.  In fact, I guess it started last night.  We went to a wedding reception.  It was for a young man we care for.  We are happy for him and glad he's heading in the right direction in life. 

I want that for Ian.  I'm painfully aware that I don't get to have a wedding reception for my son.  No tuxedo, no cake, no pretty girl.  It sucks.  To make things worse, one of Ian's pretty girls was there and she came and sat down right next to me.  I hate seeing her.  It hurts.  She's getting her patriarchal blessing and talking about how old she'll be when she has her big wedding day.  I can't stand it.

Then, this morning, I had to get up early for a faculty meeting at the institute.  On the way there I thought about how I should've been strong enough to do the heart walk this year.  It was today.  I had to drive right past the campus to get where I was going.  I hope Ian doesn't care that I couldn't do it.  I just couldn't.  It's not going to bring him back;  it's not going to help him;  it doesn't get me any 'strongest mother of the year' award--so why bother?  When I thought about the shirts a month or two ago, all I could think of was  "Ian's Team--He's gone and walking won't bring him back."  So we decided not to do it.  Then,  when I actually got to UOP, there weren't balloons, no signs, no crowd that I could see and that made me even sadder.

After my meeting, I had some errands to run.  I turned on the radio so I wouldn't feel so alone in the car.  The Bee Gees came on singing "Stayin' Alive."  I sang for 5 seconds or so and then thought about how it's the CPR song and then in my head I saw the doctors gathered around my son doing CPR, unable to save him.  I quickly changed the channel to spare myself the agony, but the next station was Queen,  "We are the Champions."  One of Ian's faves.  Second bawling for the day. 

There was a baptism after that.  The intermediate songs were "I am a Child of God," which Keith can't sing  (that's his story to tell, not mine) and  Families Can be Together Forever, which I still feel like is a form of brainwashing.  No family gets to remain intact forever--because forever includes now!!!  Then the closing song was "Army of Helaman."  It made me cry right for the third time today--right there in the meeting.  Nobody wanted to be a missionary more than my Ian.  He listened and learned and obeyed as well as any member of Helaman's Army.  God didn't spare him.  I think it would be just as good a story if 2 or 3 of them had perished.  Would it mean they had less faith if God took them--if their time on earth was over?  Would their mothers have been less effective teachers if they had died?  The story gives the false impression that we have some control over when our time is up and if we just trust enough, we can make it through anything.  Bah!

No the day's not over at this point, but I was past the point of no return.  I cried while Lucy got a haircut.  I cried on the way home and then I shut myself in my room and did crossword puzzles.  My family got no dinner and I had to really psych myself up to go to a HP social.  I sat by myself and felt pretty mellow.  When we got home I gave in to the day.  I surrendered.  I put on Parent Trap--one of Ian's "I don't feel good movies" and cried some more.  Nothing like a little Lindsey Lohan to help me wallow in what could have been and finish off a perfectly horrible day.