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The last few days I've had a flare-up of regret and guilt.  It's no secret that I wish I had been different, done different; and said different things as a mother.  It came to me the other night though, that I have one thing that I said/did that I don't regret.

I told Ian to go.  As the doctors were frantic and the chaos was ensuing in his room, Keith was blessing him and I told him to go.  In fact,  I think I said, "Run."

I'm not sorry I said that.  I'm not regretful that I didn't want him to keep suffering.  I'm not sorry that I didn't beg him to stay. 

I ache for him to be here and I blame myself for pushing him too hard.and being frustrated with his teenage angst.  I blame myself for not understanding how bad things were and not taking  him to the hospital earlier.   I regret a lot of things.

BUT,  I never rethink telling him to go.