One day at a Time?

As I sit down to write about one thing today, another comes into my head.  We'll see what comes out.  Giving myself time to think and read and pray is both a blessing and a curse.  Maybe that 's why I avoid it so often.  Without thought--both on what I read and what I experience, there is no feeling.  Without expression of that feeling, there is no pain.  That's why really praying--sincere, heartfelt praying hurts.  Numbly stumbling along without thought or feeling is easier.  Of course it is.  That's why so many people choose to live there--even if they know there is more to life than that.

We had 2 talks in ward conference Sunday.  Both good.  Yes Keith, yours was very good.  I read it again this morning.  There's a problem for me, Michelle, in hearing the two of them together though.  I tend to be a compartmentalizer.   In my world, these 2 things cannot coexist.  One talk was on being perfect and one was on being happy.  I'm not very good at either one.  When I try to be more perfect is when I see more weaknesses and unfortunately I don't immediately see that weaknesses are good and that I have them so God can help me. 

When I was 8 years old, I refused to be baptized because I thought after baptism I had to be perfect and I knew I couldn't be.  I wrote a letter to the prophet at the time and told him of my dilemma.  I got a nice letter back from President Kimball and was baptized, but that feeling of needing to be perfect and being a failure at it lingers.  To this day, I can't imagine a person feeling like they are good enough to be in the same place with God.  I know that there are lots of things I can be perfect at, but right now the thought escapes me of anything that I am perfect at.

The happy talk was a little less overwhelming, but still it's an intangible that has to be maintained over time.  Plus, it's the lack of personal perfection that messes up my happiness.  I'm happy with my husband, my home, my overall station ...you know, except for that one giant whole in my heart where Ian should be. 

He said there were 4 keys to it and used scriptural examples.  To be happy you need to work, keep the commandments, recognize blessings and avoid contention.  Well, that's sounds easy in 4 neat little steps, right?

I remember a gimmick used in NH to get us all to read the Book of Mormon in a determined amount of time.  They gave out a chart and said we would read the assigned number of chapters and look for only one topic as we were reading and mark every time that topic was mentioned--something we needed to work on etc.  I chose being happy.  I remember how shocked I was at how often I found verses on it.  How many conditions were put on it and how badly the Lord wanted it for us--in fact stating it was the entire reason for our being.

Both of these things remind me of how alcoholism is described.  One day at a time.  You can be perfect--even me, for an hour or a day, but how do string those hours together?  And when you slip, you are right back where you started.  How do you get a 30 day chip on perfection or happiness?  I guess your gut urges that nag at you have to be those of wanting to be happy or perfect. 
If you're are focused on one, how can you be focused on the other?  I guess if I could manage perfect, I would be happy. 

Wait, let me go back.  I don't want this post to sound like I am fundamentally unhappy.  I'm not.  I expect more of myself than I give.  That fouls up the quest for both of these attributes.


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