I had some time today to be alone. I wasted part of it--as usual. On a normal day I would think that taking a long bath and reading was wasting the other part of it too, but I really needed time to read the scriptures and think for a while. So I'm going to say that it was time well spent. I was hoping to read something that really inspired me and gave me something new to write about, but what I got is something old that I've been ducking for about a month or more that seems to be a barrier to my pondering anything new.
In November I posted about being an instrument in God's hand in 76 Trombones and have been bothered by what I said ever since. I really do want to be the shiny vessel, the loud, showy instrument, even the tool that's necessary for every project. BUT, that's the world's way. That's the natural man--1 Cor. 2:14 says, "But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him; neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned." I don't want to be the natural man.
There are so many references I have seen since writing that post about how we don't want to have (or be) treasures that that can canker or rust. That's part of the reason I haven't written this--because I need to find the verses, and I made no note of them.
There are also many references to being the clay in the potter's hand and letting him mold you and be what He wants you to be. I even started reading a book called I am the Clay by Chaim Potok which I have had on the shelf for years and thought I had read, but haven't. I thought since all his books have religious overtones that it must be related, but I've been substituting sudoku for my nightly reading lately, so I don't know yet.
Today I read in Doctrine and Covenants 1 about the "weak things of the world" and the "gospel might be proclaimed by the weak and the simple" and again had the same feeling about how wrong it is to want to be something other than just that. I love the story in the Book of Mormon about Alma wanting to be able to have the voice of an angel so he could shake the earth and make everyone listen when he spoke and then realizing that his wish was actually sinful and that he need to be happy with the blessings and strengths he did have and use them the best he could. It's a great lesson for dummies like me who can't see the eternal nature of things.
I think it's really hard in this world of power and prestige, where all facets of success are measured and lauded--right down to the Christmas letters that are meant to send the message that "my family is better than yours," to not get caught up in wanting to be recognized for something. Let's face it, I'm not going to get Mother of the Year any time soon and what else am I? I guess, at least it's good that it's God that I want to be rewarded by, but, I sin in my wish. The scripture says that some vessels bring honor, whether they are are made out of earth or not. I should be able to see and know that I am unique to God whether I am recognized for it or not.
This may be one of those posts that only the writer can understand--I've read those kind occasionally, but one point I do want to make clear is that I certainly don't want some position or calling of any prominence. That's not it at all. And I think may be I'm cured of wanting to be shiny and desired. After all, those who don't decide humility is good, find themselves being compelled to be humble.
Rough draft--very rough, but I haven't really been posting much at all lately and want to get going again. So, this will have to do.
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