Over the past 4 days I saw what someone whose life is really working looks like. You could say all her cylinders are firing. Since she's someone I've always looked up to, that's a good thing. I'm happy for her. It just exposed me to how I could be or should be functioning.
I now realize that much of my confidence is gone; that I can't make decisions; that I am unable to finish even the most basic tasks; and I can't remember what I'm even talking about for more than about 3 minutes. I guess distancing myself from others protected me from seeing those things.
I'm glad she came. I'm glad you came Cassi, but hearing my own voice verbalize that I don't always shower because I can't stand the 5 minutes alone with myself is pretty frightening. I feel like a fraud forcing myself to go visiting teaching on the very last night of the month because I'm not sure I care about how others are doing. I'm afraid to parent the 2 kids I still have because I'm sure I'll screw it up too--I could live another 40 years and never get back to being a whole person.
The downside of pretending to be okay is when you realize even your best acting is pathetic.
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