Coulda Shoulda

Looked at new cars today.
Well, used new cars.
Yeah, my van died.
It's cause of death was "multi-system organ failure."
It's been ailing from so many things for quite awhile.
There were signs of the approaching doom.  I saw some of them.  Actually I saw all of them.  I just didn't understand what they meant.
When it was over,  I felt duped again.  Like I was warned, prompted and didn't respond.    I thought the car smelled funny and seemed  hot when I got out for a few days before.  Shouldn't a light come on to tell you you're out of coolant?  Shouldn't the temperature gauge go up?  The engine light had come on a few weeks prior, but had subsequently gone off.
I thought the smell was because I just had an oil change and there was new oil to  leak on everything.  I knew there were leaks.  I knew there were many different kinds of leaks.  I knew the a/c wasn't at it's best.  In fact, I removed the cabin air filter to help move more air through the vents.
I knew the anti lock brakes were gone, even though that light had since gone off too.  I was used to watching the odometer because the gas gauge was broken.  But hey, even the mechanic told me not to bother fixing that.

This may not be clear to anyone else, but to me, it was just a reminder.  Deja-vu.
It made me think of all the things I couldn't or just didn't fix on my wonderful son.  I saw things.  I tried.  I took him to the experts, but in the end, I missed things.  I didn't understand things.  And then it was too late.

My car being dead is inconvenient.  It's expensive to replace.  But the worst part of it is being reminded that my son is gone and can never be replaced.

I cried today when I finally got the nerve to tell Keith why I wanted another minivan.  I don't want to stop being the mom who lives to shuttle her kids around.  I'm proud that that's who I am.  And,  I only have a very short 6 more years of being that person.  I know that sounds really stupid,  but it isn't.

We are probably selling the "Rugged Montana" to a junkyard for scrap.  My plan was to go out this afternoon and take the vinyl lettering off the back window.  I don't want it to be crushed while it still says,  "My heart will always beat for Ian's team."

I couldn't do it.  Maybe Monday.