9 Days in 1 Post

This past week, leading up to Easter has been one to remember.  Many thoughts;  many experiences;  many questions.

March 30, 2012

That was Friday.  It was the Friday before general conference.  Though not the date we got married, it was the right day.  We were invited to a  temple sealing.  Not just a marriage, but a whole family.  Not just any family.  The family Keith went to minister to the day after we lost Ian.  They didn't know.  To me,  they will always be that family--the family Ian never knew.  It was hard to be there.  It was  hard to see them have all of their children together in the temple.  I will never have all my children together in the temple.  I was supposed to--in 2 months, when Mikey is 12 and we take him to do baptisms.  Ian is supposed to be there--being the example, showing Mikey what to do.  He is supposed to be handing him the tray across the sacrament table too.  It was hard, but I was tough.  I never know when I will be tough and when I will be weak.

March 31, 2012

We spent the day watching general conference.  I heard good messages.  I heard messages that made me leave the room in anger.  I colored in my mosaic coloring book until my hand hurt.  I think my favorite message was Elder Holland's about the parable of the  Laborers in the Vineyard.  It truly gave me a new perspective.  I never thought about feeling bad for those who got picked last.  Here it is.  Read the whole thing or just this, the best part. 

Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition. May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed. The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those.

Or this: 

This parable—like all parables—is not really about laborers or wages any more than the others are about sheep and goats. This is a story about God’s goodness, His patience and forgiveness, and the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ. It is a story about generosity and compassion. It is a story about grace. It underscores the thought I heard many years ago that surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it.

I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in this parable, but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines.

It was a good talk.  His always are.  Keith had to go to the priesthood  session by himself.  I can watch the hurt well up in him before he goes and take hours to subside when he comes home.  In October Mikey will be able to accompany him.  I wonder if it will change anything.

April 1, 2012

Another day of conference.  I don't really have a favorite from Sunday.  I think I will spend some time reading over both Elder Anderson's and President Monson's.  They contained scriptures I need to ponder:  "All things are possible to him that believeth" and  "the race is not for the swift."
Mostly what I thought about this Sabbath day was that it was the anniversary of the day Ian's temple work was done.  Doesn't feel like a year.  Again, I'm stuck in the time warp of   "It just happened."  Should I be glad his work is done?  Should I be proud he has the Melchizedek Priesthood?  Should I have peace in knowing he's "in a better place?"  I suppose so. 
Shrug.

April 2, 2012

19 years of marriage.  Pretty damn good.  It hasn't been hard to love Keith.  I feel lucky every day.  I snagged one of the best men on the planet.  He has it slightly rougher but, oh well. 

We went golfing for the day.  It was something I have always wanted to do.  It is something Keith wants to do often.  I think I agree.  We had a superb time.  Neither one of us were particularly good golfers, but we were good companions, friends, and more.  We need a day like that once in a while.  It was happy.  We only spent a few minutes openly sad with each other.

April 3, 2012

We took Lucy and Mikey to the zoo in Sacramento.  I don't know why but we are zoo people.  There are few things as relaxing as watching animals.  The flamingos were particularly bright. 

The orangutans were especially active,

and the otters were characteristically active and playful.  Mikey got to feed a  giraffe. 

Lucy had her headphones in as any typical 14 year old would, and Keith and I just strolled around content. 

April 4, 5, and 6, 2012

My friend Cassi and her family arrived to spend a couple of days with us.  It was a pleasure.  House guests are not always without stress, but this time it was easy.  There was no uncomfortable moments and though the kids  have never met, they had a great time together.  I think if we were able, our whole families would be very close. 

Even a trip to the Jelly Belly factory and standing in line for 2 hours was bearable.  I had a weird flash moment there.  Cassi was looking around making sure all her kids were there together.  She said,  "Where's Nora?  Where's Caleb?  Do we have all our kids?"  I know that moment of concern well--that second of panic not seeing all my kids.  I still do it.  I still look around sometimes out in public places and realize I'm looking for Ian and I won't see him no matter how many ways I search.

It's good to still be close to someone I've known so long and respect so much.  It's even better when you also like her husband and think her kids are cute and well-behaved. 
We played games and the kids dyed Easter eggs--something I would, no doubt, have cried through had we been alone. 

Mikey got to have another boy sleeping in his room with him.  It was good all around.  Thanks Cass.

April 7, 2012

Today.  I have to come up with a lesson on the atonement and resurrection that will teach the young women tomorrow, but will also satisfy me and comfort me without making me emotional in front of them.  That's a tall order.   Maybe that's why I'm typing this instead.

That's my week leading to Easter.  It's not much when compared to the original week leading up to Easter--Palm Sunday to Feast of the Passover to Gethsemane to Calvary to the Open tomb. 

Having said that, it sure contained a lot of meaning and commemoration for me.