So, I was just laying in a lounge chair while Mikey and a friend were swimming today. I started to think about how long it had been since I prayed--myself--personal prayer. I don't even know. I remember it. It was at night. Before bed. I got back up and went downstairs to turn on the TV after it. Praying makes me sad--very, very sad.
Prayers start with "I'm thankful for..." and even though I have a lot...
Then you get to the "Please bless me to..." Those aren't great either.
I don't even know what to ask for. How do you ask for anything, when you can't ask for what you want? Praying makes me cry. All I can say is please forgive me for all the things I've ever done, so I can see my son again someday.
As I lay there face down (sunning my back), I thought how horrible I was for not praying and decided that it might be good to do it right there. How much bawling could I do with all those people around? And even if I did, my face was down.
Here's what I came up with:
I'm thankful I got as much time with Ian as I did.
I'm thankful that we were so close and he shared so much with me.
I'm thankful that he isn't suffering right now.
I'm thankful to know where he is.
I'm thankful for all the things he taught me.
I'm thankful that he has Keith as his dad.
I'm thankful that he had so much faith and was so diligent.
I'm thankful that he touched so many people.
There were several more things. It was a good prayer. I cried. Nobody saw.
It was kind of like life now. Nobody sees. I put on a brave face and pretend. I can't even talk to God about it.
No comments:
Post a Comment