July 24th. Pioneer Day. When I was a kid, it was my least favorite Sacrament Meeting. All the boring stories about people who lived 100 years ago. That sounded like forever ago, but it's over 150 years now. I guess age and experience have taught me to appreciate those old stories because today when they were overlooked, I really missed them. I've heard it said more than once that Pioneer Day is just for Utahns, but I don't agree. Sure, the church was restored on the east coast, but all the faithful saints did as they were asked and trekked across a wilderness to preserve the gospel legacy for those of us to follow.
As a missionary is Hong Kong, I saw the Chinese members commemorate Pioneer Day. They were so thankful for the stalwart. They recognized that from a very humble beginning the worldwide Zion was established.
We did sing two hymns today in honor of the pioneers. The first one made me cry. I've sang it hundreds of times and always connected it to the pioneers of 1847. Today it was about me and my life and my toils and sorrows.
Come, Come, Ye Saints by William Clayton
Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear,
But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you, this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
'Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell--All is well! All is well!
Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward
If we now shun the fight?
Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.
Our God will never us forsake;
And soon we'll have this tale to tell--All is well! All is well!
We'll find the place which God for us prepared,
Far away in the West,
Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;
There the Saints will be blessed.
We'll make the air with music ring,
Shout praises to our God and King;
Above the rest these words we'll tell--All is well! All is well!
And should we die before our journey's through,
Happy day! All is well!
We then are free from toil and sorrow, too;
With the just we shall dwell!
But if our lives are spared again
To see the Saints their rest obtain,
Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell--All is well! All is well!
I got through the first verse pretty easily, thinking about the pioneers. Then the second verse started and I got all choked up. "Why should I mourn or think my lot is hard? 'Tis not so, all is right. Why should I think to earn a great reward If I now shun the fight. Gird up my loins, fresh courage take. My God will never me forsake." It's not a pioneer song. It's a be strong and don't give up song. Now, just like 150 years ago. How hard must it have been for them to sing that song as they walked? How choked up must they have been singing those words after having their homes burned down and their husbands beaten and their children dying of malaria or exposure or cholera?
I've always had great feeling about the last verse. I remember the Mormon Tabernacle Choir always used to sing that verse in this awful minor key in such a mournful way. I always said to Keith, "That's the happiest verse. Why are they doing that?" They've stopped over the last few years. In fact, the last time we heard it, they sang that versed triumphantly--like a Hosanna. (to watch on youtube click here) Today that verse made me think of Ian and how it was a Happy day for him to be free from the toil and sorrow his earthly body presented him with and how he is now dwelling with the just.
I'm certainly not to a point of "All is well." In fact, this month has been horribly challenging--to the point that I have nothing to say--nothing to write because I know nothing can make me feel better. The ache is here to stay. The anger isn't going away and I don't have some great lesson learned that balances out the devastation of having my son ripped away from me. Someone said to me today, "I didn't really know my father. He died when I was 16. How well can you know someone when you're 16?"
Will my son forever be 16? Did he really know me? There are a million questions and most of them have different answers everyday. The big one is who am I now? My job, my life was caring for Ian and keeping him alive. No matter what anyone says to the contrary, part of me will now forever feel like I failed.
Back to the hymn. I thought a lot about the first verse after singing it today. The phrase "Come, come, ye Saints" is a plea for us to come unto the Savior, no matter when we live. It's a counsel to not be afraid of what we are asked to do or what challenges we are given. It's a promise of grace as long as we strive to be our best and leave the useless behind. We can be happy and all can be well--no matter what burden is in the cart we have to push. Here it is again:
Come, come, ye Saints, no toil nor labor fear,
But with joy wend your way.
Though hard to you, this journey may appear,
Grace shall be as your day.
'Tis better far for us to strive
Our useless cares from us to drive;
Do this, and joy your hearts will swell--All is well! All is well!
Pioneer Day and pioneer hymns are for us now. They are for me now. I hope I can remember what this meant to me today.
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