My day today was, well... You know when you're driving on the freeway and you see something happen in front of you--something falls off a truck or there's a piece of tire or other debris--you know you're going to hit it and there's just nothing you can do. That was my day. I saw the darkness coming and I couldn't stop it. I fought all day, but I couldn't avoid it.
I'm trying to prepare for Mikey to be gone to science camp next week. I got out the pair of Ian's hiking shoes he got the first time he went away to heart camp. They fit perfectly. I got the prescription filled. I searched for infamous packing list--notice I didn't say I found it. I honestly don't know if I can get through it. I made Keith go get Lucy from a sleepover that went too long a few weeks ago because I couldn't stand not knowing where she was and whether she was okay for even one more second. Having Mikey out of my care for 5 days has me bawling already. I can't let him know how I'm feeling. He's the kind of kid that would stay home for me. I can't even sniff more that once and he's next to me hugging me asking if I'm okay.
I put the dresser in his room today and the new sheets on the bed last night. The Nerf gun-rack is up. It's almost ready. It looks great. It hurts. It's supposed to be Ian's room. It's not supposed to be new and fresh. It's supposed to be old and familiar. It's supposed to have comic books and Red Sox stuff in it. I'm supposed to have 2 sons with bedrooms; 2 sons becoming more and more independent; 2 sons hugging me.
You know, in Driver's Ed. they try to prepare you and tell you how to handle every situation, even debris on the freeway. There isn't anyone to prepare you for heartache. There's no handbook or list of rules or even anyone next to you with an extra brake pedal for when things are really scary.
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