We've been getting movie channels for free the past several weeks and I've taken more than my share of advantage of them. They are a good escape. Last night I started "The Last Song" which I thought was going to be pretty benign. It's starring Miley Cyrus. It can't be too deep right?
It's another death movie. Keith and I have a joke about never letting me pick a movie because it will always be about death. I remember when we went to "City of Angels" starring Nicolas Cage. I cried all the way home because he finally found someone to love and gave up everything and then she died. Keith ended up really angry with me for being so emotional and ruining the night.
I've always been afraid he would die--ever since we got married. I was so sure that I would never find someone to love and when I did and he was so great I was just sure it couldn't last. I think I even tested him for a long time to see if he would leave if I pushed hard enough. I couldn't believe he wanted to be with me forever. Then I got to a point where I trusted he wouldn't leave me and I was sure he would be taken. It is so dark in New Hampshire so early in the day in the winter and every time it was horrible weather and he was late, I could imagine the highway patrolmen at my door. I've been so afraid for years that he would die and I would be alone and have to take care of the kids myself--on my own, because I couldn't move back to Utah close to my family. Ian couldn't live in that altitude. How would I find a job and have insurance good enough to take care of him? I've been so afraid for so long.
It is so irrational. I've pushed it out of my mind thousands of times. Now I'm worried about his health. I can't make it stop and now It's worse because I know what's it's like to lose a piece of myself. My mother-in-law's husband took it upon himself to tell me how much worse it is to lose a spouse than to lose a child. What the hell does he know?
I don't want to know! The title of my blog really scares me sometimes!
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