Distraction--The only Happy Place

I kept myself distracted today.  I left the house to take the kids to school and didn't come home until they did.  I didn't even have to psych myself up to visit my mother-in-law in the hospital, because at least I wouldn't be at home--alone.  That's the key to my existence.  Stay distracted.  Read, listen to the radio, watch TV (even if it's 'til 2 or 3 in the morning), go out to lunch, surf the web, and my personal favorite:  crossword  puzzles.

Crossword puzzles are the best because they are difficult enough that it takes my whole brain figure them out.  I can't think about anything else while I'm doing them.  That's great, plus they make my brain tired so I can fall asleep without thinking.  I guess it's a good thing too that I'm improving my vocabulary.  For example, I learned what hie means and it makes the hymn so much more meaningful to think of hastening to Kolob. 

Our trip to Hollywood for the Rose Parade was  a great distraction--new things and new places really stimulate the mind and there's no old memories to trip over.    My parents came out and 2 of my closest friends came out to stay with me.  They kept me occupied, both in time and thought.  All these distractions were great for me but they did have a downside.  The lead up was excruciatingly stressful.  "Can I do it?  Can I keep it together?  Should I be trying to feel good?  Am I pulling away from Ian, if I pull away for the pain, even for a short time?"  Then there is the crash and burn when the distraction is over--the void left by opening myself up to feel anything at all.

There's one more thing about keeping myself distracted.  I tune out the Spirit.  My spiritual radio dial is stuck on static--scratchy, white noise.  I've become an expert.  The things that were once the most spiritual and the happiest are now the most painful.  Duh!  The best source of my happiness--family is broken.  So to compensate, I now have a spiritual "personal space" and I don't really let much in.  I am starting to wonder though, if by shielding myself from that, I might be missing the sweet messages that Ian is happy, that he loves me and most of all, that it's not my fault.  Keith gave me a blessing last night and promised me I would receive those assurances and for now I'm going to hang on to his faith or knowledge of that, whichever.