I know I'm not supposed to covet. It's a sin. I feel bad about it. Having said that, I spent a short time tonight with a family--a good family, a family I care about--and I couldn't help wishing. . .
Maybe it wasn't coveting. I didn't want their family. I didn't want their kids. I wanted my family. I wanted my kids. Not only do I want Ian back, I want 3 or 4 more. I want a new baby like they have--not theirs. I want a couple of preschoolers like they have--not theirs. I don't know, maybe that's not it. Maybe I just want my house to be full--full of laughing and playing and happy people.
The idea that some families are blessed with 7 or 8 kids is enough for me to handle, but for them all to be whole and healthy and alive--yeah, alive is the big one--I can't stand it.
I wasn't just any family. It was the family of a girl Ian adored. It was incredibly hard to see them. It's hard to see all the people Ian was close to. I don't want it to be. I'll make myself get through it. I don't have a choice unless I want to lose more people I care about. This coming Sunday Keith is going to ordain Ian's best friend a priest. That should be fun. I'm sure I'll feel more like I do tonight.
I hope this isn't coveting, but it is wanting something I can't ever have so it feels as bad as sin--every bit.
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