Watch With Me One Hour

I had the worst time yet making myself go to church this week.  It was Halloween--supposed to be the happiest day in the Gleason house.  I sat in my pajamas watching a vampire movie until 10:00am.  (Church starts at 11.)   If it hadn't been for the fact that Keith was already there and I knew it wasn't easy for him either, I probably would've just gone back to bed.  I got it together and got the kids ready--even made it in time.  I looked around, did the usual once over in the chapel to see whose here, whose not.  Funny how there are so many fewer people than the night before at the Halloween party.  Keith was busy shaking hands.
When the meeting started,  I asked Lucy to sing--told her how beautiful her voice is and that she inherited it from both of her grandmothers and she should use it.  We whispered for a second about how Grandma Sherry used to sing on the radio.  I don't remember the opening song because I was already crying.  There it is, the reason I don't like going to church.  I cry.  There's no TV and I have to be still.  It's crying time.  It was even worse this time because I was weighing whether we had to go have chili with the extended family--Halloween tradition.  I had a million thoughts. 
During the sacrament I bounced back and forth between wishing Ian was blessing the sacrament and the big brown stain on the back the new deacon's pants. He was the one going up in front and I remember thinking, "Wow, that would be so embarrassing."  I thought when I took the bread that it was cheap store-bought white bread instead of the delicious homemade we usually have.  I saw a mentally challenged lady waving at Keith up front and him smiling and waving back.  I had a million more thoughts--like a pinball machine--back and forth, back and forth.
Some of the things I was thinking about during the rest of the service were not only off-topic, they weren't very nice.  I was pretty closed-off and just waiting for it to be over.  It was really just about being obedient enough to show up and fill the bench this day anyway right? 
Before I left the church that day, it occurred to me, that I couldn't watch one hour with the Savior.  Peter, James and John couldn't stay awake.  I couldn't (can't) stay focused.  I should be more focused on the atonement now than ever before in my life.  I need the Savior now more than ever.  In fact, that verse from the New Testament where he asks the apostles why they couldn't be there for him, is the very one to show me that he has felt as alone as I do.  I should want to go to church and take of the sacrament and feel close to the One who can ease my burden. 
Next week, maybe I can hold to that verse and to the Savior.