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The computer is not really my friend.  This blog is a perfect example.  Several months ago it became impossible for me to insert a photo on this blog without downloading it directly from a phone or linking it from a URL.  I tried  a hundred things to  make it work and couldn't, so I just didn't post anything for weeks. Obviously, I've figured a way around it--I'm not using internet explorer anymore.  It took me months and an interesting problem at work to even think of the idea.

Work is a whole 'nother issue with the computer.  Sometimes I have to call the helpdesk in SLC and have them do the whole land desk management thing to fix whatever I"ve messed up.  I was working on a form this week and couldn't figure out why the numbers I wast inputting kept turning into the number siymbol--I think it's now called a hash tag.  It was an Excel issue and Excel is  new to me.  I don't love computers.  I don't own a tablet or a laptop or even a smartphone.  I don't want a computer applying the breaks for me in my car or tracking my spending habits at Lowe's. I especially don't want to deal with a computerized self-checkout at the grocery store.

Computers do offer have one thing that is very appealing to me.  Any website I'm on or any program I'm using, there's one very special icon I love.  I use it to find my way--to get unlost, unconfused, unmessed up.  It's the home tab.

Life needs a home tab.  I found myself sitting in my family room a couple of months ago, looking at the ceiling telling Heavenly Father I wanted to come home.  In a good way.  In an I miss you way.  In a I'm not doing so good today, could you show me the purpose from the beginning again sort of  way.  Well, not exactly. That makes it sound like a positive experience.  It wasn't.  I was bawling, but then what else is new?  But it wasn't  in a dangerous, all my friends and family should be worried kind of way either.  In computer talk it was a 'save document without all the changes that were just made' moment--a can't we reset to Christmas 2009 and start there again?

I've had that feeling a lot in the past 3 years, yep 3 whole years.  It's a little different having Ian on the other side of the veil.  I just want the end to come.  It wouldn't mess up anybody's plans if the 2nd Coming was today would it?  I don't want just my life to end.  I want the whole stinkin' party to end.  Selfish.  I know. This probably sounds morbid or like I need a shrink.  Oh well.  I'm not going to off myself.  I just like the visual of the little home in the corner of my screen and what it represents to me eternally.