This Woman's Lib

I've posted a lot of things that I thought no one would understand.  This is one of those posts.  The topic is liberation. 

I feel such a huge weight lifted off of me the last month.  It's a little frightening what that weight was.  I'm kind of a "push back" person.  When I feel cornered, I come out swinging.  I play devil's advocate.  I don't want to be a sheep.  You get the idea.

Being a bishop's wife put me in a box--probably only in my own head, but what I felt or thought is what shaped my reality.  I felt pressure to be a certain way.  To have all the Sunday School Answer parts of my life in a row. I  Even in the face of the greatest adversity.  Keith was even told that people would be watching us grieve (more him than me, I'm sure).  Guess that meant we needed to appear strong even if we weren't feeling it.  May I just say, I think Keith handled counseling others in their trials quite well--course I know very little about that, but I'm proud of him.  What happened to me personally though was that I secretly resisted.  I pulled back from the things that I should do. 

Is that pride or sheer rebellion?  I don't know.

Here's where I'm liberated.  I feel now that I can pray because I want to;  read my scriptures and study the gospel just because I want to.  Not because I'm supposed to or because someone is watching.  Not because it's my duty to support my bishop husband.  I've always been insecure spiritually.  My whole life.  I don't know exactly what I've wanted, but I still haven't found it. 

Today, as I was reading my scriptures, I had a thought about something else and acted on it immediately.  It made my day easier.  It felt good and I realized that it was a teeny tiny bit of inspiration.