Should be Happy

It would be so great to have a sister.  I really need  a sister sometimes.  Someone who would know by the tone of my voice what mood I was in and where to begin a conversation.  An identical twin sister would be even better--one who has had all the same experiences as me and the would react in the same fashion.  Somebody who I wouldn't have to explain why I'm down or confused or ornery.  I know everyone who has a sister must think this notion is ridiculous.  Who cares?  To someone who has never had one, it sounds incredibly reassuring and helpful.

I could call several (no, a handful of)  people today, but it would be awkward.  They would be busy and involved with their stuff and even after I told them what was on my mind, they wouldn't get it.  It really sucks.  I've burst into tears more times than I can count today. 

We found out Keith is being released from his duties as bishop.  I've been reflecting on it all day.  I'm going to have to get up on Sunday and say something coherent about the past 5 and a half years.  I don't know how I will do it.  I can't think of a single thing to say that is both honest and uplifting.  This time period has contained the worst time of my entire life.  It has contained the biggest hit on my testimony.  It has contained the time when I wanted  to attend church the least and the time when I had the most bad feelings toward the people around me.  I has been the time when I have felt the sorriest for myself; the time when I fought the hardest to not think God was unfair and cruel.

I can hear the members congratulating us on getting back to our normal family life and it will be all I can do to not unload and say that our normal family time is gone forever and we can never go back to where we were before.  I can look at sweet, young, innocent Mikey and think, yep, that's how big Ian was when we started this journey.  That's encouraging, right?

I thought about my dad being released from bishop today.  When he was called, I was at the Y.  While he served, I finished college, served my mission, got married and had a baby.  Reminiscing didn't really help.  He and mom left straight from the church after being released 19 years ago this month, with their bags packed and in the car to race across the snowy Sierra Mountains to be with us for Ian's first heart surgery.  He didn't get to bask in how wonderful it felt--that sense of relief, because he was worried for the life of my child.  Wow, I wish I would have that option this coming weekend.

So, I can fantasize that if I had a sister, she would get it.  She would understand.  She would know what to say.  She would  know that I need to talk about my feelings.  She wouldn't change the subject or make me feel like I should be over it by now.  Right?