Whew!

Well,  the last month has really kicked my butt--I mean really kicked my butt.  Some things have been great while others have been whatever the opposite of great is. 

I feel kind of bad neglecting this for so long.  In a way, I've been hiding again.  Not acknowledging.  Not accepting.  Letting myself get so involved in any given thing to be distracted.  Sitting here at the computer forces me to slow down; to think; and most accurately, to feel.

First, the good stuff:

1.  I got to take Lucy to EFY in Utah.  It was a great 10 hours with her in the car both ways (and Jill and Courtney). 

Better even than that was the days I got to spend alone with my parents.  I feel spoiled to be able to still have both my parents and the opportunity to have them all to myself for an extended  period of time.  The hike with my dad and the jigsaw puzzle with my mom were outstanding.

 I had planned to see a couple of friends too, but I didn't have my own car and I just decided it was better not to try and make plans.  It was so relaxing and I found it semi-relieving to miss my whole family all at once and not be able to focus solely on Ian.

2.  We got a new van.  It's fancy enough that we could say goodbye to the Montana--though not without some tears.  It's the only car Mikey can ever remember going on family adventures in.  Also, I think it was one more way we were getting rid of Ian memories.  But the new van is great.  It's a Chrysler Town and Country and it's white.  It has navigation, leather seats and warmers, a sun-roof, and a 6 DVD changer.  Hopefully we will get the headphones and remote soon.

Cool Instrument Panel Huh?

3.  I got a job.  Actually, I got 2.  The one I took is 20 hours a week;  totally flexible hours and in a great environment.  It's not minimum wage.  I'm the new support specialist for the Stockton Seminary/Institute.  A great portion of the time I will be there by myself.  There's so much to learn.  Actually, I can't believe how much there is to learn.  I'll have something new in my life.  Keith says it will do wonders for my confidence.  It probably will.

4.  We refinanced our house--cut time of the loan, lowered the payment and the interest rate.  Pretty good.

5.  Keith had some days off.  We went to Mystery Spot.  It was strange--so strange.  I actually got sick to my stomach.  I think it's a magnetic force field under the ground.  Way cool. 

We went to Santa Cruz and did the boardwalk and to Capitola to "Pizza My Heart."    We found it through the GPS which was super fun.  Lucy had wanted to go there and get a T-shirt for a while.  The next day we went to Lake Tahoe.  I had never been there.  It was beautiful. 

What a gorgeous day. 

I really took this photo--it's not a stock!

6.  Mom and Dad came out and stayed a week with us and spent Ian's birthday here.  It was different than any other of there visits because I was working part of every day.  One day we went good ol' San Francisco.  We even ate at the Cliff House. 

This one's from the internet.  We were too early for a sunset.

There's the good things.  That's quite a few right?  I have things to be thankful for.  Now for the not-so-good.  There aren't any photos to go with these.

1.  My son has been gone for 2 years.  He should be able to come home from his mission now.  He should have great stories to tell me about how his testimony has grown and how he realizes now  how much I love him.  He's not coming.  That sucks.

2.  We have a new car and Ian isn't here driving it.  I can't hover over him and tell him to be careful with it. 

3.  I woke up early on August 19th and baked a birthday cake and my baby wasn't here to blow out the candles.  It's pretty weird to pick out flowers for an 18 year old boy's birthday present.

4.  I did fairly good in July holding everything together, knowing that August was coming.  I was tough and strong and stoic for the most part.  Then, after my parents left, I was watching one of the TV shows I had DVR'd while they were here.  All alone, I found myself sobbing over a pretend TV character who had died.  Sobbing.  Yeah, that's the way it is.

5.  My new job--well my new boss and I have something in common.  He lost his 15 year old son too.  Who knows, maybe he knew why I needed to get out of the house.  Maybe he recognized something.  In the car, on the way home the first day,  I said out loud to myself,  "Ian, I'm not moving on without you.  I'm moving on with you.  Please be here with me."

 The fun things we did while Keith was off--they were great, but. . . I ordered coconut cream pie at Marie Calendars because it was Ian's favorite.  I stopped and looked at the garlic fries booth in Santa Cruz and sighed because they were something Ian loved.  I thought as we climbed the hill to Mystery Spot that Ian wouldn't be able to climb it and if he could, it would have really made him ill.

So there were a lot of great things in the month that I didn't write, but life has a way of balancing things out doesn't it?