There's a whole lot going on keeping me from posting anything. First, the holiday season is here. Halloween is just the awful start to the whole thing. Maybe Thanksgiving would be easier if it didn't follow Halloween, which glaringly points to the big gaping hole in our family and masks all the things we obviously have to be grateful for. I don't know.
Second, reading more, as I have this year, has made me realize that no matter what thoughts or feelings I have, someone else has already had them and can express their ideas as good or better than I can. Knowing that God's children are as vast as the stars in the heavens or the sands on the seashore doesn't do wonders for the "I'm unique or special" confidence.
Third, if I don't sit down at the keys and let something come out, I can better pretend that there's nothing to come out. I'm standing at a dike again. A new dike. If I let anything flow over it, I might not ever gain control of how powerful the waters become. It could drown me. Plus, really, does that imagery make any sense to anybody but me? I doubt it.
I should be spending my time doing things that are actually productive. I mean if sitting at a computer typing was accomplishing anything it would be different--I'm discouraged. Plain and simple. Nothing comes from me doing this. It doesn't change anything. I'm still the one woman out of billions, who impacts very few other people. The one person who needed me the most, who was most directly affected by my actions, my realm of responsibility is gone.
Last, is it really fair to sit here and type while Keith is at work taking care of me? He has way more crap to deal with than I do. I'm sure spending time at hospitals and with grieving families has really boosted his week. But he's done it and I'm sure he's done it well. I just need to follow his example and plow ahead and stop thinking so much.
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