Full of Sh**

I deal with a digestive issue on and off--mostly on.  Constipation.  I know, why in the world would I write that?  Well, there's a reason that I think is a pretty good one.  It parallels something else that's more significant than digestion.

When I'm really stressed out or really busy, my body doesn't work like it should.  If we are traveling, forget it--for many days.  Okay, enough of that.  It's just the metaphor.

When I'm really stressed or upset about something that I don't want to write about or I think I shouldn't write about, everything stops.  I am completely blocked.  Not even just on this blog but everything--my conversations with myself in the car;  my thoughts going to sleep;  everything.  And I really think it's actually good for me to take the time to write about things that are on my mind to clear it out once in a while --in many cases I go back and don't even remember what I've written about--which can be good.

Here's the disclaimer:  This is only my side of an issue.  I realize it's not the only side and know that I'm way off the perfect target.

I told my brother-in-law what I thought about him not ever trying to get involved with the Heartwalk and hurting Keith's feelings.

He lashed out at me so intensely that I can't seem to get away from it.  He wrote me an email which included things like how he tried to tell me how to care for Ian and it just "fell on deaf ears."   He said  he learned things at Ian's funeral about him that he didn't know before.  (Is that my fault?)  He said he and his wife--"of all people"--could understand all Keith and I were going through all those years with medicine regimens and doctor visits etc--why didn't we come to them?  (How could he possibly have any idea?)  That certainly wasn't all.  

Okay, so here's the deal.  How could anyone do that to me?  How could anyone choose now to criticize what I devoted myself to for so many years?  How could anyone--anyone--not know that those comments are out of bounds?  That they would stay with me and add to my already mountainous guilt over not being able to save my son.  How could anyone hate me that much? 

I just don't have the energy to play the game any more.  My mind and my digestive system need a rest.