Many years ago I was sitting in a class at church when the teacher asked, "What's the most important lesson you've learned in life?" Like always, the standard Sunday school answers were given. I don't remember exactly what they were except that they were easily given without much thought. I raised my hand and said, "I've learned that I'm not in charge." The teacher was stunned. She actually asked me to explain what I meant and sat down. I was uncomfortable telling the room what I meant, but I think after this much time and many experiences, I can share it with some level of ease. God is always in charge. In every breath.
He's the one who blessed me with the goodness in my life. Every good thing comes from him and if I think that I earned the good in my life then I am not confessing His hand in all things.
Let me claify. I fully believe in moral agency. I believe in choice. I just also believe that He's in charge of what choices are presented to me. He's in charge of the consequences that come from the choices I make. Only He knows what I am strong enough to handle and what I will do with the choices I am given.
He's the one who gave my husband his gorgeous red hair. I could believe that genetics did that, but whose in charge of genetics? He's the one who decided my friend shouldn't be able to bear her own children. He's the one who allowed cancer to take her soon after the adoption of her two daughters was final.
Someone asked me recently why I couldn't decide whether or not to bring a lawsuit against the doctors involved in my son's death. My response was based on this simple truth of not being in charge--"How do I take God out of it?" If he was supposed to live, the doctors couldn't have overruled God's decision. My miracle son had already spent 16 years proving to doctors that they weren't in charge.
I'm not mad at God that bad things happen to me and those I care about. I submit (interesting word choice, even to me.) that I don't understand, but being mad at a God who loves me, who knows all, and is in charge of the universe really serves no purpose. The "big picture" is too big for me to be in charge of. So I give that to him willingly. He's the only possible choice when thinking of who could decide when a city will be flooded or who will be there when someone's agency brings heartache to seemingly random people. Only He is qualified to decide who should be born where, under what conditions and into which family. He's the one I want to decide what I need. He loves me beyond human capacity. How can I pass on that?
He's the one who blessed me with the goodness in my life. Every good thing comes from him and if I think that I earned the good in my life then I am not confessing His hand in all things.
Let me claify. I fully believe in moral agency. I believe in choice. I just also believe that He's in charge of what choices are presented to me. He's in charge of the consequences that come from the choices I make. Only He knows what I am strong enough to handle and what I will do with the choices I am given.
He's the one who gave my husband his gorgeous red hair. I could believe that genetics did that, but whose in charge of genetics? He's the one who decided my friend shouldn't be able to bear her own children. He's the one who allowed cancer to take her soon after the adoption of her two daughters was final.
Someone asked me recently why I couldn't decide whether or not to bring a lawsuit against the doctors involved in my son's death. My response was based on this simple truth of not being in charge--"How do I take God out of it?" If he was supposed to live, the doctors couldn't have overruled God's decision. My miracle son had already spent 16 years proving to doctors that they weren't in charge.
I'm not mad at God that bad things happen to me and those I care about. I submit (interesting word choice, even to me.) that I don't understand, but being mad at a God who loves me, who knows all, and is in charge of the universe really serves no purpose. The "big picture" is too big for me to be in charge of. So I give that to him willingly. He's the only possible choice when thinking of who could decide when a city will be flooded or who will be there when someone's agency brings heartache to seemingly random people. Only He is qualified to decide who should be born where, under what conditions and into which family. He's the one I want to decide what I need. He loves me beyond human capacity. How can I pass on that?
1 comment:
Wow, Michelle. Thanks for posting something so real and from the heart. Great reminders for me.
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