Wandering and Rambling

I read Ether last week.  I'm trying to finish the Book of Mormon.  The kids having minimum days has hurt my routine.  I usually read while I'm waiting for them at the school--no waiting; no reading.  I'm almost there.  Anyway, the book of Ether has many, many important lessons, the first being pick your friends carefully.
When Jared and his brother's language is not confounded and they are still able to communicate with each other, the next thing they ask for is that they may also have some of their friends "not confounded" either.  (I'm sure that was the most awkward way to say that but. . .)  It makes me think who I would want to take with me into the wilderness.  If there were only going to be a few families together and times were going to be tough, do I have friends that I would want to count on?

Yes, but I'm not sure if I have 11.  That's the number that sticks in my head as to how many there were.  Let's see:
Do my brother's count?  No, I'll assume they don't--they are already there.
Campbells
Molens
Colborns
Powells, maybe--haven't talked to them forever.

Families that we trust, rely on and get along with.  Question is would any of them pick us?

Messers
Johnsons
Bonds
Esplins
Parkers
Phipps 

I don't know.  They are all really good families.  We aren't super close with these, but I can look over the list and feel good that none of them would fall to the dark side.

Keith would probably have more ideas.

If we were all together living fairly well on a beach somewhere like they were, would we stop asking "what next?"  The brother of Jared got chastised pretty harshly and was stuck in that spot for 4 years  when there was a better place waiting--because he quit praying about what to do. 

That sounds  pretty common.  We don't always ask when things are good--or even fair.  Maybe the brother of Jared thought, "I did what you said, I'm here in this place where you led me.  If you want me to go somewhere else, where's the cloud that led me here?  Where are you now?" 

When the brother of Jared finally did start asking again, he was pretty humble.  He asked God not to get angry with him again when he proposed the stones lighting up.  He started with, "I know I'm just a dumb mortal but. . ."

I wonder a lot about the journeys Heavenly Father sends us on.  He does things in such weird ways sometimes.  Lehi and Jared are only 2 examples.

When God was ready to restore his church to the earth, He knew that it was Joseph Smith that would be the one to do it.  He knew the geography of where it needed to happen.  There were thousands of ways the Smith family could have gotten to Palmyra, NY.  Why did they need their crops to fail 3 consecutive years in Vermont?  Why did they need to be nearly destitute?  They were good people--the best people on the planet in the context of this story.  Why did God try them to the breaking point? 

Yes, I know the Sunday School answer and I know the scriptural answer:  God tries those He loves.  He gives all of us the opportunity to prove to him that we will choose Him; that we will serve Him; and that we won't falter.  I get that.  I guess I even get that if the trials of Joseph's childhood hadn't come, then perhaps he wouldn't have been prepared for the trials that came later.

And Yet.  I still wonder why?  I still ask,  "Is there no other way?" 
Aren't there any lessons that aren't worth the trials we go through in order to learn?  It seems to me that there are weak, yet happy, people all around me.  How do I reconcile that with the concept that God is no respecter of persons and loves all of his children and wants success for every last one of them?  I'm not stupid or proud or whatever enough to think that I'm stronger or more able to withstand more trials than anyone else.  On the other hand, I'm not naive enough to think that my trials are even close to the worst there is. 

I hope it's okay to wonder.  There are thousands of years of history in the scriptures and I'm supposed to read it and learn from it and get to know those people and see myself in their lessons, so I hope it's okay to scratch my head and say, "If God wanted it to be that way, why didn't He just say so?"

It's a rambling.  I'm rambling today.

Power in Reading

 Brother Shields gave me a job a while back.  He needed to make a file on the family.  He asked his classes to go through the Ensigns for the past 5 years and find all the articles that had to do with the family and put a sticky note on the page.  Then I would go through and make copies of all of them and put them together for him.  He said I might find things the students missed.  What a fun job when the day is slow.
I made a few copies of things for me too.  I found one quote that I brought home and told Keith, “I found something you’re going to write in the back of your scriptures today.”  Sometimes I think it annoys him that I know him as well as I do, but I was right.  He took the page and carefully copied it into the little bit of space he has left back there.

Here it is:  “However diligent we may be in other areas, certain blessings are to be found only in the scriptures, only in coming to the word of the Lord and holding fast to it as we make our way through the mists of darkness to the tree of life.”



Isn’t that a great quote?  It doesn’t hurt that it’s a quote from Keith’s personal favorite prophet ever—Ezra Taft Benson.

I think probably I read my scriptures half the days.  That’s a good honest estimate.  I finish the Book of Mormon at least once almost every year.  It’s hard to gauge.  I finished the Doctrine and Covenants last year—before we were studying it.  Yeah, I’m stubborn that way.  It doesn’t count as ‘personal study’ to me if it’s for Sunday School—that’s ‘required reading.’    That’s pretty quirky isn’t it? 

I’m pretty attached to my scriptures.  They are worn out.  Pages move up and down on the little strings.  The lettering on the spine is worn off and there’s a few food stains on the pages.  That all makes me happy.  That means I’ve used them.  If Heavenly Father asked to see them, I would be proud to show Him how much I’ve used them.  In fact the zipper broke on my case—the case I bought in the MTC and I couldn’t find another one anything like it so I took it to the dry cleaner up the street and paid enough for a whole new case for them to replace the zipper.  (It’s on backwards, by the way.)  I’m attached.  I hope I’m attached to the meaning and not just the familiarness of the covers and colors of the markings.

Whenever there’s a lesson about personal inspiration I always say that my prayers are answered in the scriptures.  Maybe that’s because I’m not warm and fuzzy and Heavenly Father knows He has to ‘spell things out"’ for me.  Whatever the reason, that’s how I get inspiration—even more reason I should be devoting time to reading.

On the page in the Ensign with the Benson quote there is a scripture verse in big bold type.  It’s Jeremiah 33:3.  It’s actually one that I’m not terribly familiar with and it’s a great one—I should be.

“Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and might things, which thou knowest not.”

There’s a lot I don’t know.  And the more I learn, the more I realize how much I don’t know.  It’s Saturday morning.  I think I’ll go back to bed and read my scriptures!

Back to the Name

The name of my blog is "I'm not in Charge."
I found a scrap of paper today with the scrawls of my hand-writing on it.  Here's what it says:

Being in charge was Satan's greatest desire--That was the crux of his plan--not only taking our agency, but taking God's glory and Christ's mediation.  He wanted sole charge of all the members of our great and eternal family.  He wanted to be all-powerful, all-wise, and all in charge.

I think probably at first, he  wanted to save everybody and not lose a single soul because he loved us.  Any brother would right?  He thought he was making a grand gesture that we would all revere him for.  And then his pride kicked in.  The sin that does in more people than any other.  He didn't want to be wrong.  He got his feelings hurt.  He was embarrassed and ashamed that he had suggested something that wasn't the right thing.  He couldn't accept that God knew better.  That he didn't understand everything to the extent that God did.  He couldn't bend his will.

Keith read us a very famous Neal A. Maxwell quote in family home evening this week.

...the submission of one’s will is really the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God’s altar. The many other things we “give,” brothers and sisters, are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us. However, when you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God’s will, then we are really giving something to Him! It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!

Satan couldn't, no, wouldn't submit.  His desire for glory, fame and power destroyed him and so many others who followed him.  He couldn't let God be in charge.  Brings me back to my favorite scripture (I wonder how many times I've typed it in this blog).

Doctrine and Covenants 59:21   And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey his commandments.

God needs to be invited to be in charge of every part of my life.  I need to acknowledge him and recognize that it is my job to be obedient.  I need to understand that I won't lose who I am just because I'm His and submit to His will.

The sacrament hymn  "God Loved Us So He Sent His Son" has 5 verses, but we only ever sing the first 3.  I always read the 4th one before I shut the book.   It goes:

In word and deed he doth require
My will to his, like son to sire, 
Be made to bend, and I, as son,
Learn conduct from the Holy One.

I still need a lot of work on not wanting to control everything in my life, and Keith's life  and my kids lives.  I don't want to be like Satan. 

Conscientious Aspirations

I went to lunch with some friends today. 
Kinda. Are they really friends if I leave and say, "whew, I never want to do that again"?

It was weird.  I don't want to ever say that I am better than other people.  That's rude.  And not true.  Here's the thing:  I want to be better than them; than that; than the conversation at that lunch.

I'm not prudey.  I've never really been a goody-goody.  At least, not to me.  But at 46 years old, I don't ever want to leave anywhere thinking,  "What was that?  How did the conversation go there?"  I think the ronch on TV has become so pervasive that people don't even think about what they say anymore. 

Do people still need to think they are cool by saying provocative things in their middle-age?  Not me.  The only slightly provocative things I ever say are between me and my hubby and I want to keep it that way.

Just a tear (like tear paper, not tear from my eye) for today.   I have lots of much better more uplifting things to say sitting right here on my printer waiting for me to type them in on this keyboard, but I just couldn't pass on this rant today.  I'd like to be thought of as a lady--a Christian lady and if today's lunch had been a movie, I'd have changed the channel.

File it away Michelle.  Holy Places.  Be not moved.

Hang On

Life can be like a rope.  Sometimes we feel things are slipping.  We don’t have control.  We are not as strong as we would like to be.  There are times when we are tired and want to let go. 
Those are the times that we need to be extra vigilant and tie a knot in our rope—take a stand and hold on.  The knots we tie make it a lot easier to not slide backward and have to regain ground.
I’ve said for years that there are times when all we can do is not let go.  I was referencing the iron rod, but it applies here.  Sometimes I’m not strong enough to do every right thing.  Sometimes I don’t have the  perfect answer to the question or the energy to serve, but I always have the determination to not let go of the gospel.
I’m not saying this very well.  I don’t have a specific example.  I just think it’s a great visual—a rope with knots in it.  It makes me think of boys in a big gymnasium trying to get to the top and ring the bell.
I want to get to the top and ring the bell someday and say I didn’t give up; I didn’t let go.

The Chicken and the Egg

2 quotes today that I have read recently that make me feel hopeful--both by God's messengers.  Faith and hope go together.  In fact sometimes, it's  hard to know which comes first and which leads to the other.

"As members of the church, if we chart a course leading to eternal life; if we begin the processes of spiritual rebirth, and are going in the right direction. . . then it is absolutely guaranteed--there is not question whatever about--we shall gain eternal life.  Even though we have spiritual rebirth ahead of us, perfection ahead of us, the full degree of sanctification ahead of us, if we chart a course and follow it to the best of our ability in this life, then when we go out of this life we'll continue in exactly that same course.  We'll no longer be subject to the passions and the appetites of the flesh.  We will have passed successfully the tests of this mortal probation and in due course we'll get the fullness of our Father's kingdom--that means eternal life in his everlasting presence."  Bruce R. McConkie  Speeches of the Year 1976 BYU

"To the individual who is weak in the heart;  fearful in the heart:  Be patient with yourself.  Perfection comes not in this life, but in the next life.  Don't demand things that are unreasonable, but demand of yourself improvement.  As you let the Lord help you through that, He will make the difference."  Elder Russell M. Nelson Video Segment for the Plan of Salvation Lesson--New Youth Curriculum

It's encouraging to think that faith and direction determine my ultimate destination; not how close I am to perfection right now.

"Wherefore, ye may also have hope, and be partakers of the gift, if ye will but have faith."  Ether 12:9

"Having faith on the Lord; having a hope that ye shall receive eternal life; having the love of God always in your hearts, that ye may be lifted up at the last day and enter into his rest."  Alma 13:29

Even when I have faith, I still need to hope that I am good enough; that I will overcome and accomplish; that God will accept and forgive me.  Some days that's easier than others.

Sweet Sixteen

My little girl is on her first date. 

His name is Cole.

  I am calm—not stressed; not scared or worried. 

I don’t know if that’s good or bad.
The day had a lot of twists and turns, but that’s another story for another post.  This one is just about how beautiful she is and how much I love her.