Can't shake the feeling.
I've been saying for at least a year that I was enjoying Lucy growing up; being a teenager; dating; driving. That I was taking it in stride--didn't get to do it with Ian and it was going to be all pleasure with Lucy. It hit me yesterday as I made myself call the insurance company to add her to the auto policy. I started bawling.
Dread.
I called my mom. I thought she was the only one that would understand the terror I feel at the thought of Lucy getting smooshed in a car accident. None of my friends or family members who've gone through their kids getting driver's licenses know what it's like to lose a child. They are scared, but they don't even know exactly what they are scared of.
My mom tried to reassure me and told me to pray and have Lucy pray every time she gets in the car. That made it worse. Who had more prayers said on their behalf than Ian? God took him anyway. He could take Lucy too if He chose. One day she could leave the house and never come home.
Been there. Done that.
I've been able to control things more for Lucy, even though I couldn't with Ian. That's not saying it right. I know that she has a healthy body and if I feed her right and make sure she gets enough sleep and some exercise that she can have a good life. I didn't doom her from the beginning with a broken body.
But all the years of car seats and swimming lessons and stranger-danger talks can't give me the assurance I need now.
I'm not in charge.
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