Today--all about today

When I turned 7 years old my grandmother bought me a piano for my birthday.  The furniture store delivered it in the middle of my slumber party breakfast.  I loved the bench before I ever knew there was a piano to go with it.  My aunt taught me piano lessons off and on for several years but I was never great.  It's hard to be motivated to practice when the lessons are free and there's no pressure to excel.

Over the years I've had some insight into my piano playing issues.  It's interesting that insight can come so late to the party.  Here's what I think was my biggest problem:  I couldn't keep going after I made a mistake.  I do this now with typing.  If I mess up a word I don't just delete the couple of letters that are wrong because my brain can't fix something in the middle.  This happens in my crosswords too.  If one of the letters is already filled in, I usually misspell the rest of the word because I don't figure the existing letter into the spelling.  Anyway, I digress.  When I play the piano, I often start over when I mess up.

Well today it occurred to me that I do this in my blog.  When I have a bunch of ideas that don't come out, I can't really leave them and stay current.  I stay stuck on what I should have done and the ideas that I only half remember from 3 weeks ago and lament that I'm behind.  It's stupid really.  I'm still back on our vacation in Utah and the sucky Halloween that came the same week as the Red Sox winning the World Series.  I don't want to leave things out so I freeze and don't do anything.  Again, stupid.

BUT,

Today I was really proud of my daughter so I decided that is a starting point.  Lucy had to write an essay for English and I convinced her to read it to me.  It was great.  She told me a few weeks ago that  she was supposed to write any essay about herself--like a college application essay telling why they should admit her to their institution.  The teacher told  them it needed to be about a life-altering event that has made them stronger, i.e. a death pr other traumatic situation.  I remember when the assignment was given, Lucy came out to the car and said she wasn't going to use Ian to get into college and she wasn't going to write the essay the teacher wanted.  Well, she didn't, and even though her peer reviewers didn't get it, I think it's fantastic. Here it is:


I've spent a lot of time pondering the complexities of human existence and the idea that we all have a predetermined "place" in this world.  This notion has always baffled me--that every human being on this earth has a niche to fit into; a space to fill;  a job to accomplish; and that if we don't succeed on this front, we're worthless, wasted, expendable.
the concept that every individual has one "life-altering" event that pushes them into the spot they're destined to occupy is ludicrous.  To value one moment''one choice''above others, assuming that that instance has a greater effect on our life than any other, is shallow and naive.  At any given point in time, we're faced with choices.  Each choice hold the potential for more choices, and so on.  We have an infinite amount of futures possible, and every time we actually make a choice, it kills a great deal of them.  In essence, every moment--every decision-- is life-altering, and the biggest life-altering moment in my life was the moment in which I realized this.
That realization helped me to understand that every choice I'll ever make is important.  I don't know what the outcome will be, so I've learned to weigh my options carefully.  At the end of the day, my  decisions set the course of my life, and I want tot make sure that that course is headed in the right direction.  Decisions kill futures, but they also create them, and that's the most life-altering thing I can think of.

Not bad for a 16 year old Huh?
After she read it in the car, Mikey said, "I have a Ronald Reagan quote to go with it," and he pulled it out and let us read it.  Wow, 2 kids who are really thinking.

The character that takes command in moments of crucial choices has already been determined by a thousand other choices made earlier in seemingly unimportant moments. It has been determined by all the 'little' choices of years past - by all those times when the voice of conscience was at war with the voice of temptation, [which was] whispering the lie that 'it really doesn't matter.' It has been determined by all the day-to-day decisions made when life seemed easy and crises seemed far away - the decision that, piece by piece, bit by bit, developed habits of discipline or of laziness; habits of self-sacrifice or self-indulgence; habits of duty and honor and integrity - or dishonor and shame.---Ronald Reagan

I'm glad I took the time to put this down.  

Stuck in a Cornfield

Had a conversation with Lucy  a week or so ago.  It's been going through my mind ever since and today  I  finally decided what she said was a good thing.  Made me happy today.

We took the youth to the corn maze.   2 girls--12 and 13 teamed up together to enter the giant, dark claustrophobic, scary thing.  Can you tell I don't go in?  These 2 girls are, well, not average.  They have challenges.  Developmental challenges.  They are so happy together.  I think it's the best thing in the world that they have each other in our group.  One of the leaders was worried about them the whole time--but didn't go in with them.  When it was time to go, they didn't come out of the maze.  We looked around for a while and asked the people staged at different exits if there was some protocol if somebody gets lost.  I went to the petting zoo and the man running that knew exactly who I meant.  He said, "Did one of them have a big yellow flashlight?  Yeah they were here about an hour ago."  I was walking back to the meeting place when I saw them come running from a dirt field--not one of the authorized exits and was so relieved.  The adult that was worried about them scolded them upon sight very loudly.  It was like one of those scenes you see in a department store when you want to take the child from his parents and run.
I hugged each one and told them how worried we were and how happy we were that they were OK.

Here's the conversation with Lucy:
I said I think that we need to try to let them have some autonomy and treat them the same as we do everyone else-- not treat them like 5 years olds that can't do anything for themselves.  Then I started backtracking, and wondering if that's what I would have thought if it had been my child in there.  Would I have been okay with Ian in there without someone responsible with him.  We went back and forth about that, citing that his issues were sight and balance and exhaustion and that they were different than these girls' issues.  Here's where Lucy said that you can't be rational about your own kids.  WHAT?  I didn't like that so much.  Then she said I would've let Ian go, but I would have planned on something going wrong.  She said I always let him do what he wanted but  had  a contingency plan.  I've been mulling that over trying to decide if I really was the overprotective limiter that I have been accused of (not by Lucy).

Fast forward to today.  I was saying my prayer this morning and being thankful for the atonement and I realized that the atonement is God's contingency plan.  He knew that I would have problems and He didn't want me to ever get stuck somewhere and alone and afraid.  I don't want to sound too prideful, but it made me think I did at least one thing as a parent that was like Heavenly Father.  It made me feel good.  Really Good.

Peace. Be Still.

I've been really stressed and cranky the past few days.  No real reason necessarily.  Work has been challenging with a new boss;  new expectations; and new big evaluations.  But, even though that's where Ive focused my frustration, I don't think that was it.  Young Women's is always a stresser.  Always has been. Always will be.  Sometimes it takes me hours to relax when I get home on  a Tuesday night.  That wasn't it this week either.  Last night I could feel the heaviness--the actual physical heaviness land on my shoulders and in the pit of my stomach and I knew that I'd let myself get overtired and the emptiness was the next feeling that would come.

Today as I said my prayer in the car, I asked for peace.  Just peace.  Not that my project would be easier or that Keith would find the right new job or place to live or even the reassurance that we really are supposed to be in Stockton--that's a common plea--just peace and understanding.  I didn't think much of it.  Just walked inside and sat down to a pile on my desk and got going.

I always turn on Pandora to an LDS worship station while I work, especially when I'm there alone.  I was working along for a couple of hours and right in the middle of something when I heard the words,  "Leave to thy God to order and provide;"

It shocked me, almost literally.  I was facing my desk, not my computer and I turned my chair around and looked at the screen and paused the music. I took a minute to finish what I was doing.  Then I went to the Pandora screen and pushed play.  I tried to make it go back to the first of the song, but I couldn't.  I recognized the tune--Be Still My Soul  but I don't remember ever really listening to the words.  I went in the classroom and got a hymnbook and made a copy of hymn 124, and underlined those few words.

After work I read the whole song.  Wow.  It is really comforting.  Here are the Lyrics:

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on they side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul:  Thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:  The wave and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul:  The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul;  When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

It's a happy ending song.  It's a "not in charge" song.  It's a trust song.  It's a peace and understanding song.
I spend too much time "immersed in the three Ws: wearied, worrying, and whining."  (Pres. Uchtdorf, May 2011)  I need to knock it off.  I need to be still.

Right Up There

I have to say last week I watched one of the funnest, most enjoyable things I have ever seen on television.  The only way it could have been better would be if Ian were watching it with me.  He would have been doing the dance-jump and laughing until his eyes watered.  We would've been high-fiving and cheering and watching replays every few minutes.

It was the Boston Red Sox versus the Detroit Tigers.  The game where Big Pappy got his 2000th hit.

The sportscasters kept saying these were the 2 teams to watch for the pennant and I could see why. . .until the 6th inning.  That was when the real fun began. When the bottom of the 6th began the score was 5 to 4.

The Sox scored 8 runs that inning.  I don't remember how many homers that inning, but a couple at least.  They were saying at one point that everyone had scored except  Pedrioa.

Ortiz got 2 home runs.  There was a Grand Slam by Middlebrooks--after a walked in run--I know that has a particular name, but I don't know what it is.  Ellsbury got a homer.

It got so bad that they put in the 2nd stringers and they scored homers too.  That poor Detroit pitcher.  I don't know why they left him in.

I actually considered saving the 4+ hour game on the DVR to watch when I'm down.  It was great.

GO SOX!

Milestone We didn't Get

There were a handful of special girls in Ian's life.  Shannon was one of them.  She made him blush about a thousand times.  They shared their birthday weekend:  hers on the 18th, his on the 19th.  When they were 12 or 13 they plotted about going on their first date together as soon as they were 16.  Ian didn't make it.  He had 17 days to go.

The boy who did take Shannon on her first date called Keith and said that he wanted to make it special for her even though he wasn't Ian.  What should they do?  That was quite a call.

I know Shannon spent time on her 18th birthday at the cemetery.

She had her mission farewell today.  She's going to Knoxville, Tennessee.  We went to hear her speak. When the opening song started  I cried.  Cried quite a while.  Nobody saw.  Nobody knew what I was secretly feeling.  It was good.  She's a great girl.  She'll be a great missionary.  Ian's proud of her.

He is a seasoned missionary by now.  After 3 years, he could give here some tips.  I wish he'd had a farewell.

Citing the Source

I heard something on the radio today that made me so sad.  It was a political debate about Obamacare and I don't even know who the host was because he was just a fill-in for somebody else.  He was going on and on about how terrible it was that congress has now exempted their own staffs from participating in the vast chaos we all see coming toward us like a freight train.

Not that the whole healthcare/Obamacare issue isn't sad enough, but the guy quoted Abraham Lincoln to make his point.  He said, "We need to consider what Lincoln said--A house divided against itself cannot stand."  AAAuuugh.

Lincoln?  Lincoln is who he attributes that statement to?  Okay, so, Lincoln gave a famous speech about the future of slavery where he co-opted that phrase, but those words belong to Jesus.  What has happened to our  country?  What has happened to the Judeo-Christian make-up of our country?  What has happened to people reading the Bible? What has happened to people caring what Jesus said?  I can't believe it.

I'm a lover of Lincoln.  He's been a hero of mine since I was a kid, but even he isn't a great enough guy to get credit for Jesus' words.

Lead me

I've been working on memorizing hymns the past few weeks and it's been really hard--I always tend to make things harder than they need to be.  I picked 2 hymns that I wasn't super familiar with (would it be a challenge if I already knew all the words?) but that had words that really meant something to me.  The first one was "Go Forth with Faith" and the second, which I 'm going to write about is "Lead Kindly Light."

Here are the lyrics.  I adjusted some of the meter for my own better understanding.  I also added  my commentary in red. Some words I  had to look up to get the full affect.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom; The Light is the Savior; gloom is all the bad things in the world. 
Lead thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; This isn't really our home,
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet;
I do not ask to see the distant scene--
one step enough for me. I need to trust that it's okay for me to not be in charge; Somebody else has a better grasp on my own 'big picture' and I need to accept that. In other words: have faith and be meek and submissive

I was not ever thus,
nor pray'd that thou shouldst lead me on.
I loved to choose and see my path;
but now, lead thou me on! Again, I'm stubborn and like to make my own decisions--not always consulting with my Heavenly Father or considering consequences.

I loved the garish day, Garish means showy
And, spite of fears, pride ruled my will. Wanting to be seen by men as intelligent, important or someone to be admired--putting worldly accolades before spiritual things.
remember not past years. Please forgive me and help me. 

So long thy pow'r hath blest me,
sure it still will lead me on  You haven't let me down thus far and I know you never will 
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, Through the swamp and bog and cliff and rushing water
till the night is gone. 'til I'm finished with all the tests and trials of life
And with the morn those angel faces smile,
Which I have loved long since, and lost awhile! When I'm done and with all those I love-- even the ones I haven't seen for a long time,  we'll be happy.



It's a beautiful hymn and it means so much to me. I'm really glad I chose it, even if it was hard to memorize. One of the scriptures that goes with it is Psalms 119:133-135.

133 Order my steps in thy word: and let not any iniquity have dominion over me.
134 Deliver me from the oppression of man: so will I keep thy precepts.
135 Make thy face to shine upon thy servant; and teach me thy statutes.

Good Scripture too.

I decided to write my own version of the hymn.  It's not as poetic, but it's mine.

Savior, please take my hand,
Show me the way.
I'm weak and scared and sometimes stubborn,
Show me the way
I know that I'm just one grain of sand to Him--
And yet, I am His child.
My neck is stiff, my heart is stony
Could you show me the way?

Lord, please teach me how to feel
Show me the way
I'm small and simple but I like to be in control
Show me the way.
I try to lean on my own understanding--
Be in charge of my own destiny or fate
I'm wrong.
Forgive me, and light the way.

Master, please open my eyes
Show me the way
It's hard to bow my will to thine
Yet please show me the way
I'm not always inclined, sometimes compelled
I need to be still and let you be my God
and trust that my soul is of great worth
I beg, please mark the way.

Brother, help me endure it well
Show me the way
I know it's but a moment.  Still-
Show me the way
I want to recognize Your voice and follow
I'll try not to tell You what to say--what I want to hear;
Just listen to my shepherd
I know You are the Way.