A Lifetime Ago

Heartwalk 2005 Stockton Ca  Ian with Blake, Chett and Garrick

The heartwalk is fast approaching.  I want to raise a lot of money.  I want a lot of team members to walk.  I guess no matter what happens, I won't like the day and I won't feel like we're beating heart disease.

I miss Ian.

Representations

Lucy had to do a project for school a couple of weeks ago.  It's an autobiography, but with many different parts and I thought it might be fun to do it too.  I don't know.  I heard a song on the radio yesterday that maybe could fulfil the one page.

Song lyrics that represent you:

"Welcome to the real world,"  she said to me
Condescendingly
Take a seat
Take your life
Plot it out in black and white
Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings
And the drama queens
I'd like to think the best of me
Is still hiding
Up my sleeve

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track
Faded white hats
Grabbing credits
Maybe transfers
They read all the books but they can't find the answers
And all of our parents
They're getting older
I wonder if they've wished for anything better
While in their memories
Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you
Stay inside the lines
But something's better
On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school
I wanna scream at the
Top of my lungs
I just found out there's no such thing as the real world
Just a lie you got to rise above

The song is "No Such Thing" by John Mayer.   You can listen to it here.   I used to love John Mayer.   It's a good song.  Until the last year,  I've wanted to go back to a high school reunion and show everyone how great a life I have.   I probably still have a better life than most.  I should feel thankful.

Anyway, to me the song is about all the "lines" we put around ourselves that really aren't there.  We think there are all these things that are so important and sometimes we find out that life is better when we live outside them--not in a break the law, break the commandments sort of way.  Just in a don't try to be so perfect way. In a stop trying to live up to what's supposedly expected way--because most of the expectations are self-imposed anyway.  At 14 or 16 or 18 we think we know everything--how life should be--black and white--just like the song.  When we actually grow up, at whatever age that happens, we see there isn't some magic formula of how it's supposed to be.

Lucy also had to pick a color and a food that represented her.  I think in giving her a suggestion for the food,  I was really talking about me. 

I said potato. 

I know--weird.  Here's why--I think most people see the green plant of the potato above the ground and it's okay, not the most beautiful plant or anything, but okay. 

Hidden, where they can't see though,  is the best part.  I keep a lot hidden and so does Lucy.  I also thought of kiwi--scruffy and bland on the outside, but if you take time to peel it, it's the brightest colored, tastiest thing on the inside.  Or liver and onions--one of my favorites foods, by the way.  You really have to be a connoisseur of food to enjoy it.  You have to be willing to try it, even if your first impression is that it will be disgusting.

My color would have to be...I have no idea.  My mother-in-law says I wear brown a lot.  Somebody that came to the house once said that my sage green corian counters were just like me,  whatever that means.  Am I cold, hard, straight, beveled?  Whatever.  My favorite color is green.  The teal color that my mom swears is blue,  but really  is green.  The color red of Keith's hair has got to rank awfully high on my list.  Is there really a color that represents me?  Lucy picked orange.  Some quiz on the internet says orange is for flamboyance and exuberance and someone who demands attention.  She loved that.  I say she picked it because it was Ian's favorite color and she has taken over a lot of his favorite things. 

I guess maybe teal is a good representation of me, simply because some say it's blue and others say it's green.  

I've never gotten over the first impressions people told me they had of me.  They were so far off the mark.  I'm just not who I appear on the outside?

There have been issues with people being able to comment on my blog lately.  I hope it works now.  I know that maybe you need a google ID or some others.  Anyway, for the few of you that read this,  I'd love to hear the things that represent you and if you think the things I chose represent me.  It would be fun for me to hear someone else's  inner thoughts for a change.

Good Coming from Upheaval?

I actually took this photo at Yosemite.  It's not a stock photo from the internet.

I read a great book this weekend.   It's called The Weathering Grace of God by Ken Gire.  It's about all the beauty in nature that comes from upheaval on the earth.

One of the passages I appreciated most was about answering the questions of Why.  It went something like this:

Explaining the geological reasons for why a volcano erupted and destroyed a home doesn't really make the people who are homeless feel better, so why do we expect that explaining a theological reason for hardships in our lives to make us feel any better.  My words.  His were better.  I should have quoted, but I'm too tired to go get the book and find the page.

It's a super book.  I gave it to my father a couple years ago thinking it was just about nature and why people love to mountain climb.  He gave a copy to me last summer and told me to read it when I was ready.  Finished it in one day.  I was ready.

Feels Like Cheating

We got up early this morning.  We put the bike rack on the car.  Loaded 2 bikes.  Our friend Chris came over and we loaded the other 2 bikes in the back of her truck with her bike.  We went to Subway and got sandwiches.  Then we drove to Sacramento.  We got out at the American River Parkway.  We first rode through Old Town Sacramento and saw booths--one on the Mormon Battalion.  We tasted Sarsaparilla.
Then we got on the trail.

 It was a beautiful trail.  We rode along by the water in some places. 

We saw turtles,  river otters, herons, cranes and squirrels. 

We pick blackberries and snacked.  We visited along the way.  We rode about 12 miles as close as I could figure.

We ate our sandwiches and came home.  It was a good day. 

Felt like cheating on Ian  to do something as a family we never could've done if he were here.   Never would've done.

Super 8

I saw a movie yesterday.  It was called Super 8.  In the first 2 minutes the adolescent boy lost his mom.  I sat in the theater thinking all through the movie--It's better for a mom to lose a young son than a young son to lose a mom.  I would never want Ian to be as sad and lonely as that boy seemed.  And I would never want him to be as broken-hearted as I am.  This way he's busy and taken care of and hopefully,  not at all sad.  It would be nice to know he's missing his mom though.

It was a good movie.

Get Happy Now

Not me, but a group just like mine--11 elders and 1 sister.

I thought I already wrote about this but I can't find it.  It's amazing to me that I've written 178 posts on this blog.  I look through the titles and I don't remember most of them.  Anyway, this topic is timeless so it can be written about over and over.

"What is the purpose of life?"

There are always varied  answers when you ask that question. 

To get a body.
To be tested.
To prove ourselves worthy to be with God again.
To learn obedience.
Every once in a while you  hear the answer that I believe is the right one--To be happy.

One of the scriptures I own was a gift from my MTC class in 1991. I don't know exactly what we were discussing, but I know a question came from Elder Barclay--one of the elders from Idaho that I had to sit in between--and I've never forgotten the verse.
It's  Mormon 9:14.  The chapter is all about the plan and Christ's part in it and all the different roles he plays.  Verse 14 is particularly about the judgement.  It says  "...he that is filthy shall be filthy still; and he that is righteous shall be righteous still; and he that is happy shall be happy still; and the that is unhappy shall be unhappy still."  I have a note written in the margin that says,  "Get Happy Now."

Being happy sure sounds  a lot easier than being tried and tested and proved, but I'm not sure it is.  Chances are if it's the thing Heavenly Father wants us to master, it's probably pretty tough.  I guess it's like every thing else.  It depends on how bad we want it.  Alma 41: 5 says,  "... one [is] raised to happiness according to his desires of happiness..."  At some point, no matter how awful things look, we (I) have to want to be happy.  Eventually, I have to be able to say I want to be happy again and mean it.

Alma 29: 3 says,  "...for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me."  I don't like what has been allotted to me the past year, but the all the years before that were a great blessing and there might be a few more good years in the future if I decide there can be.

I know I  have a reason to not feel happy.  I know many people don't  have a reason they can put their finger on and still don't feel happy.  We're conditioned to believe if we do what's right; live a moral life;  love those around us;  we will be happy--keep the commandments, prosper in the land.

Sometimes things just aren't as simple as the sayings we cut out of vinyl or stencil on wood.  Sometimes we don't have the answers--let's make that most of the time.  We just have to try our best to be happy, no matter what turmoil we're going through at any given minute and know there's a reason and somebody is in charge--even if we can't see Him.

Everyday

Families are Forever. 
Wow, that phrase holds a whole lot more meaning to me lately.  And not the meaning you might think.  First of all, I think, "Families can be Forever."  It's not automatic.   There's no guarantee.  It's dependent on faithfulness and obedience.  It's not a free gift.  The only freebie is resurrection.  Everyone gets that.  Being together forever is trickier.

Then I think,  "When does forever start?"  A statement with forever in it should include now, right?  It doesn't.  My family isn't together now.  We won't be completely together for many, many decades.  To most people the statement Families are Forever gives punctuation to the happiness they feel,  the closeness,  the unity.  To me, it's angst--like eternal truth versus what I can see.

I got away today.  I was alone for several hours.  Even when school's in, that doesn't happen often.  I went to the temple.  I rushed to get there.  I stressed and looked at the clock 500 times on the way.  When I finally got there, got changed, and sat down, the contrast in atmosphere was so stark that I began to cry.  I probably cried for 10 or 15 minutes.  Listening to prayers that I believe are making families forever was overwhelming for me.  One of the gentle, white-haired men brought me some kleenexes.  The woman next to me asked if the names being read were my family.  Nope.  I just had some idea how happy those people who I don't know anything about must have felt to be given the chance to be together forever.

As I left that room and was walking down the corridor, the man who gave me the kleenex approached.  He asked if I was carrying a burden today.  I said yes.  He said it was good that I was there and walked on.  I thought to myself,  "everyday,  I carry a burden everyday.  My son is gone.  It's everyday."

Before I got changed to leave,  I saw a woman I know.  She asked how I was doing.  I think a lot of her.  As we spoke she started to cry.  She was missing her sister and brother and sister-in-law who are all forever--but not right now.  She was also worrying about her mother, who "has good days and bad days."  I'd never seen this woman  be anything but strong and smiling and encouraging.  She was carrying a burden too.

It's not just everyday for me.  There are burdens everywhere--mostly hidden where only the person carrying it can see.  I'm sure the white-haired man has hauled his share around.  It's up to us how we carry them,  what we do with them.  Sometimes being good and serving God and others is easy and sometimes it's not.  It's still Everyday.